You might think I wasn’t interested or I simply stopped caring. Maybe it was a fluke. Maybe I met someone who wasn’t you. But the truth was I cared deeply for you. I wanted you and only you. In fact, for a long time, I turned down a lot of people because there were moments I thought you looked at me and felt the same way. Maybe it was all in my head but I thought I felt something there I couldn’t let go of.
That is until I had to.
I thought if I gave you the time you’d come around but I realized it was like waiting for a train I wasn’t even sure would be coming. I was waiting for someone who wasn’t there all the time. Maybe physically you were but emotionally you kept me at arm’s length. We’d look at each other and it was like you wanted me to be someone else. I was always so happy around you but you made me feel like I was an inconvenience. Suddenly I was flustered and confused and questioning myself and the moves I’d make. You made me completely frozen with fear of doing something wrong. I feared losing you but I realized you weren’t even mine to lose in the first place.
I couldn’t keep emotionally investing in someone who couldn’t reciprocate everything I felt. I couldn’t keep going to bed wondering if I was enough and what more could I do.
The truth was I never stopped caring. But I did get tired of caring too much.
I got tired of trying so hard.
So days turned into weeks where you didn’t hear from me. I don’t know if you even noticed or just carried on like the ghost you appeared to be, going through the motions.
The honest truth was I didn’t want to bother you in the event I was.
The honest truth was I didn’t want to keep reaching out and not hear anything.
The honest truth was I didn’t want to keep staring at my phone hoping you’d be the one to text me first.
Something in you changed. And maybe it was in the way you saw me.
Maybe there was something you were going through.
Maybe you just weren’t interested.
But the honest truth is I was scared of putting my heart on the line for someone who was so unsure themselves.
I enjoyed the play by play in your life but I wanted to be a part of it not just some spectator on the side.
The honest truth was I cared entirely too much for you, all with the best intentions but even the best people can’t keep trying for someone who is unsure how they feel. You put me through a trial and error of being hot one day and cold the next. Your uncertainty drained me because I was so sure of you and I hadn’t a single doubt about how I felt.
It hurts me and of course, I miss you but I know what would hurt more is continuing to try so hard for your time and attention. So I guess what I’m saying is I’m waiting for you to miss me back. I’m waiting for you to care. But more than that I’m waiting for you to show it because I just can’t be the only one. And maybe that day will never come and maybe I have to accept that and move on.
It’s a confidence booster knowing someone loves and cares for you but on the other end of those feelings not reciprocated is a feeling of complete defeat like your best isn’t good enough.
I couldn’t keep being every first hello as I was left wondering when you’d say goodbye for good. So I beat you to it. That hurt me a lot to just get up and leave. I didn’t want to cause a scene or make a thing out of it so I said nothing. But it did hurt me walking away from someone I cared very deeply for.
Just know I hope you find whatever it is you you’re looking for.