This Is Me Asking To Be Something More Than Just a Friend

Thought.is
Thought.is

I love you are three words that just don’t seem to captivate what it is I feel. Because you’re more than just someone who makes me feel safe. You’re this place that feels like home. Like I found you and that’s it, this game we’ve all spent our life playing is over.

So I’m asking you to love me. I’m asking you to be mine.

I know there will be complications and things we are each insecure about. I know it’s a risk but with you I look into your eyes and I just think any risk is worth it.

My feelings have never been a secret. From every intense look to holding hands to every kiss that has always been our own best-kept secret.

I’ll admit you’ve ruined me in a way. Because while we’ve each been each other’s safety net when it comes to the world turning against us and everyone breaking our hearts I promise you I won’t do that.

I promise to love you the right way. And I know you think it’s a bad idea. I know you think this is unrealistic. But the idea of us maybe getting it right one day is the most realistic of dreams I’ve ever had.

Because we aren’t just friends. We exchange I love you like it’s mere hellos. We spend time together that is never wasted and engage in conversations in which we get lost in our own world sometimes.

I don’t know if you feel my heart beating faster as you pull me in. I don’t know if you see my hands shaking as you hold them. Because even though there have been others, of the consistent things in my own life has always been you.

We bicker like an old married couple sometimes. But there isn’t a single opinion I value as much as yours. I think we each need someone who isn’t afraid to put us in our place sometimes. You aren’t afraid to offend me. You aren’t afraid to call me out. But most of all even if it messes with each of our egos we aren’t afraid to admit when we are wrong. And we come back apologizing and makeup again. There’s a thrill to it really.

But we protect each other like family. Because every time something has gone wrong in my life you have always been the one I turn to. You are every first text. And with a single word you can tell if something is wrong. Just hearing my voice shake in a way many people would ignore you can tell what kind of a day I’m having. We’ve each been hurt by other people. And just as there is a long list of your exes I hate I know if you could you’d beat the shit out of every guy who has ever made me shed a tear.

You are always the one lifting me up. You’re always the one saving me. I take so much pride in not needing people and being strong on my own. But of the most vulnerable things I’ll ever say is I don’t just want you, I need you.

We flirt like it’s a first love sort of thing. And you are. Because I don’t think I knew what love was until I met you. It’s every inside joke we have that makes me smirk. It’s this world we kind of live in all our own. It’s you making me laugh when I don’t even want to smile some days. I didn’t ask to fall in love with you.

But more than anything you are my best friend. Which makes this more rather complicated and awkward if you don’t feel as deeply. But something about it tells me you do or I wouldn’t be taking this chance. I know there will be risks but I want to face them with you. I know I’m taking a chance here at ruining what this is we have and I’m sorry for that. But part of me feels like I’m living a lie and living half alive just being your friend when you are all I think about it.

Cause the truth is there isn’t anyone I even care about half as much as you. And the truth is I can’t imagine my life without you a part of it.

You’re every standard I compare everyone else to and there’s a reason they aren’t matching because they aren’t you.

So here I am putting my heart on the line. Here I am telling you everything and hoping for the best.

And if by chance you don’t think this is a good idea I don’t know if we can go back to the ways things were before, but I had to take this chance. But I’d more rather jump and hope to God this can be something then fearfully wonder what if. TC mark

Kirsten Corley

Kirsten is the author of But Before You Leave, a book of poetry about the experiences we struggle to put into words.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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