Waking up to the smell of freshly baked banana cinnamon pancakes, I felt the restraint in my body slowly got loosen as I lift myself up to get out of bed. It was noon by then but my body felt like it has not got any rest. I went straight to the kitchen and opened the kitchen door to see the smiling face of my favorite person.
Suddenly, my eyesight got more focused and sharpen and vivid colors popped out around him. As I stood there without saying a word, he pressed the plate with piping hot pancakes in my hands, gave me a kiss on my forehead and hugged me so tight that all my worries seemed to have washed away. Before he left for work, he turned around and comforted me for the last time with his smiling eyes and then he closed the door behind him with a firm pull.
I was all alone, again.
The longer he was away from me, the more I felt that my eyes start to weaken again. I couldn’t handle the weight of my eyelids and the harder I try to stay awake, the stronger the gravity pulled my eyelids down. Immediately, I savored down the pancakes one by one and tried to keep the warmth and comfort around me.
But, it was already too late.
My body started to shiver wildly and within seconds, the warmth has completely escaped from me and sent me down to sleep. When I woke up again, I stared blankly at the ceiling, looking for anything; a striking color, an idyllic pattern or confronting words.
There was nothing to look for. Nothing that could make me move an inch.
It was like drifting on still ocean, not even a light breeze in the air or shrieking seagulls flying in the distance. With no sight of an island behind, left, right or in front of me – I continue to drift on still water, staring at the clear blue sky.
I felt nor fear nor desire. I felt nor sadness nor joy.
Like a broken vessel.
No matter how much water I poured in, it would leak eventually down to the very last drop, leaving the vessel longing for hydration.
Every waking moment was a moment to find that missing broken piece to fix the vessel. But it was a hard quest when the day is filled with all kinds of distractions. Joyous moments when I’m in the presence of present, surrounded by the people I love. Those moments would fool me to think that I have found the piece. Time after time.
When the glistening sun cast a shadow on my subconsciousness while shining on the highlights of the day.
And as the evening draws near, the sun rays slowly dimming down, up comes back the subconscious in the spotlight which shows me my constant fear; the missing piece.
But I kept fooling myself that just because the sun always goes down every day, it also comes up the next day to cast on my emptiness. Even if it’s for the time being. Even for a second.
I don’t care. I don’t care if I’m fooling myself.
I would do anything to feel.
Anything to get that feeling back of waking up to the smell of banana cinnamon pancakes and seeing the face of my favorite person first thing in the morning.