1. You no longer feel flustered when you don’t have any Friday night plans. Rather, you feel flustered if you do have Friday night plans. All you want to do is come home, put on some sweatpants, and bask in the glory of doing nothing for hours at a time. Five years ago, that would have been a nightmare. Today, it’s a ~*dream*~
2. You actually feel excited to do household chores and hit up other things on your to-do list. Granted, doing laundry and cooking your meals for the week isn’t necessarily fun. But the feeling of being productive and getting shit done is awesome.
3. If someone texts you to come meet them at some bar or club because it’s “insane,” all you want to do is stay as far away from that place as possible.
4. When you’re hanging out with your friends, sometimes your conversations center around 401k’s, car leases, and acid reflux. And that’s by choice.
5. Your Saturday and Sunday schedules are rarely centered around day drinking, and more so focused on when you can squeeze in a satisfying mid-afternoon nap (or two).
6. If you overhear anyone say “That bar was dead” your first thought is I want to go to there. Your ideal hangout is basically a place where there are barely any other people and the music is low enough that you don’t have to scream to the person next to you in order to be heard.
7. Grocery shopping has become therapeutic, not obligatory.
8. Waking up and seeing no mysterious bar charges on your credit card bill is a joy that you did not know existed until now.
9. Your standards for shots have changed. Ideally they occur before midnight, you know exactly what ingredients are used, and if they are any sort of neon color, thanks but no thanks.
10. If you don’t do at least one productive thing over the weekend, it feels like a total waste.
11. Not having any strange sexual encounters in a weekend has become a triumph.
12. The only time you can go out without having any anxiety is when you know you have absolutely nothing to do the next day. Your hangovers have gotten so bad that the only way to get rid of them is to order a pizza at 10 AM and lay on the couch for hours while you moan “Whyyyyyy?!” over and over and over.
13. If a bar has a line, you’re probably not going in. Because all that means is that there are just more people inside.
14. If you do decide to do some day drinking, it means a drink or two. If it’s any more than that, there’s no way in hell you will survive long enough to maintain evening plans.
15. You’re excited to go to sleep and figure out exactly how many hours of sleep you’re going to get that night.
16. If you stay in on a Saturday night, you get excited about the prospect of watching SNL when it’s actually live, as opposed to watching it through On Demand the next day. But then, you’re not even halfway through the episode before you call it a night. Sometimes you don’t even care to make it to Weekend Update.
17. You wake up early enough on Saturdays now to realize that during all those years where you were sleeping until two o’clock, there were people who were out and about, taking walks and running errands and being real humans. It still surprises you to this day, especially now that you’re one of them.