45 Things You Will Never, Ever Get Used To In Adulthood


1. Having to acknowledge that PIZZA ROLLS is not a proper meal.

2. Being terrified of moles – both the mysterious underground creature and the strange brown thing that appears on your body and is either nothing or skin cancer.

3. Changing your email address from LuVz2PaRty@hotmail.com to something that actually sounds real.

4. The fact that you’ve started complaining about “teenagers these days” and that no matter how hard you try, you can’t stop.

5. Gynecologist visits or prostate exams. Hello doctor, sure, I’d love to talk about the weather while you touch my bathing suit areas. 

6. Realizing that dating does not get better after high school. It just gets more complicated. Lisa always likes Mark who likes Rachel who likes Dave who likes Kevin. Dave is gay now.

7. Seeing little 10-year-old nuggets in Victoria’s Secret buying leopard-print thongs for themselves. GO PLAY DOLLHOUSE YOU TINY HUMANS, THERE’S BARELY ANY TIME LEFT IN YOUR CHILDHOOD.

8. Hangovers that last for 11 days. They literally do not go away.

9. Articles that keep popping up on the internet saying “it’s been 20 years since Friends premiered!” or “The Office began 10 years ago today!” and you’re like wait, no, WTF, how?!

10. Visiting your younger sibling at school and watching everybody get blacked out and realizing that you’re actually kind of bored.

11. Paying your own cell phone bill. It’s never fun, no matter how pretty T-Mobile tries to make their logo. Data is still EXPENSIVE, you pink betch.

12. Realizing that Tinder messaging and AIM are kind of definitely the same thing.

13. Taking a couple TUMS before you meet your friends out for dinner.

14. The fact that new packs of toilet paper don’t magically appear in your bathroom anymore. You think, hey, Mom must have been doing this all along. Then you think I should have realized this sooner because now you’re on the toilet and you’re paperless.

15. Convincing yourself that you have cancer every time you have a headache or a pain in your leg.

16. Realizing there are certain classic adult things you always assumed you’d have to learn, like balancing a check book, that you actually no longer have to learn because ~*TiMeS HaVe ChAnGeD*~

17. Thinking that you’re now free to do whatever the hell you want, because you’re an ADULT and you don’t have to listen to your parents.

18. …and then remembering that you have bosses who are way scarier than your parents.

19. Getting excited to turn the heat off for a few days and see how much it saves you on your gas bill. It’s $6 lower this month? MARIAH CAREY this is fantastic! 

20. The freeing feeling of knowing that even after rejection or embarrassment or failure, your world will not actually end.

21. Realizing that the “parents” who always seemed to have it all together are now your friends or friends of your friends. The people you saw puking at the bar last year are now burping tiny little creatures over their shoulders.

22. Feeling nostalgic for the “stressful” college days of writing papers and studying for exams, especially when work is particularly overwhelming.

23. Adjusting to the fact that your mom doesn’t come in to check on you at 11 o’clock at night anymore to make sure you’re sleeping. So if you are exhausted at work because you were up until midnight taking a “Which member of the Evan & Jaron musical duo are you?” quiz, that’s on you.

24. Oprah not having a talk show anymore.

25. Kris Jenner temporarily having a talk show.

26. Having your own version of “summer reading” and LIKING IT.

27. Learning that some people are just going to like you, and some people really aren’t, and that trying to figure out the reasons for either one is a waste of your time.

28. Being in a constant state of shock over your younger cousin’s or younger sibling’s Likes-Per-Minute statistics on Instagram. And being simultaneously distraught over the fact that Likes-Per-Minute is a real thing. Those damn youths.

29. Thinking about the fact that Taylor Swift is or is almost the same age as you, and knowing you will never, ever have that much money.

30. Listening to whatever music you want to listen to, because you no longer have to know all the lyrics to Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” so that you can fit in at middle school dances.

31. The fact that your mantras are now things like I still haven’t gotten fired so things are going great or Hey, it’s fine, nobody died. 

32. Not having homework and instead spending your free time doing the amazing things you always knew you would do, like eating a medium pizza by yourself or watching The Food Network for five hours straight while simultaneously looking at things on the internet and then remembering none of it afterwards.

33. Learning that having a car includes more responsibility than just buying the gas. You also have to buy insurance and get oil changes and have a title and update your registration and acknowledge that AAA actually costs money and is not just your magical fairy godmother.

34. Coming to terms with the fact that Lizzie McGuire has a child.

35. The fact that your medical bills WILL find you, no matter how many times you move.

36. Trying not to think of life in terms of semesters anymore but still doing it anyway.

37. Being pissed when you’re carded and being terrified when you’re not carded.

38. Keeping yourself together when someone tells you their e-mail address and it’s an AOL account.

39. Realizing that it’s no longer a terrible, scandalous tragedy when your friend gets accidentally pregnant, but more of an Oops, that probably wasn’t supposed to happen, but oh well the baby will be precious. 

40. Knowing that it could be years before you go back to the dentist unless you set reminders for yourself.

41. Your back hurting for no reason.

42. Viewing roller coasters as ominous, vertigo-inducing demons instead of super fun, impressive things you can brag to your friends about.

43. Learning about the corporate side of Disney. Welcome to the happiest place on Earth. Please pay $11 for this water bottle. 

44. Repeating your parents’ advice to your friends because you now understand that they know what’s up.

45. Sick days cause more stress than they do joy. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

I’m a staff writer for Thought Catalog. I like comedy and improv. I live in Chicago. My Uber rating is just okay.

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