26 Amy Schumer Quotes That Will Make You Laugh, Think, And Feel Understood All At The Same Time

Amy Schumer is not just a talented comedian, but also an incredible voice for people out there who feel insecure, torn down, or unsure of themselves. She maintains a perfect balance of being vulnerable and fearless, poignant and silly, honest and unapologetic. Here are 26 of her best quotes that will make you feel inspired, lighthearted, and all around understood. #Kween
Inside Amy Schumer
Inside Amy Schumer

 1. “All my friends are getting married. I guess I’m just at that age where people give up.”



2. “The moments that make life worth living are when things are at their worst and you find a way to laugh.”



3. “I went home with this French guy because he said something adorable like, ‘I have an apartment.'”



4. “I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story – I will.”



5. “I will speak and share and f*ck and love and I will never apologize to the frightened millions who resent that they never had it in them to do it. I stand here and I am amazing, for you. Not because of you. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.” 



6. “I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It’s not true. I’m right where I should be.”



7. “I’m so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he’s always turning the lights on, you know what I’m saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he’s like, ‘Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.’ I was like, ‘Oh my God, you’re so cute. You think I don’t want you to see me?'”



8. “It’s work having a vagina. Guys don’t think that its work but it is. You think it shows up like that to the event? It doesn’t. Every night it’s like getting it ready for its first Quinceanera, believe me.”



9. “I get labeled a sex comic. But if a guy got up onstage and pulled his dick out, everybody would say, ‘He’s a thinker.'”



10. “Don’t feel bad for me. I think I’m, like, so pretty.”



11. “Boxing is like stand-up. Getting hit in boxing really made me feel stronger as a stand-up, because it’s like having your worst fears happen to you. That gives you power, because you’re no longer scared of it happening anymore. You got hit, and it hurt, but you’re okay.”



12. “You feel like such a dirty whore buying Plan B. It is so embarrassing because it’s over the counter but you have to ask your pharmacist, and they know what you want but they make you ask. They’re looking at me, I’m like, ‘You see where my eyeliner is just give it to me.'”



13. “I may sound like a megalomaniac, but I feel like I’m equipped to become a great, memorable comedian, if I keep working my ass off and staying at the pace I’m at, and I feel a responsibility to do that because of the women who have done it before me, and the ones who need to do it after me.”



14. “In New York I’m, like, a six – seven with all the padding. But in Miami, I was like a negative three. People were like, ‘What the fuck is that?’ Throwing up on their motorized wheelchairs. Children were crying. I was like, ‘Beyonce calls it jelly.’ They were like, ‘That’s cottage cheese, bitch. Do some lunges.'”



15. “I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I’m not trying to make headlines. I’m just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh.”



16. “Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I’ve never woken up and been like, ‘What is this Pilates mat doing out?'”



17. “I wrote an article for Men’s Health and was so proud, until I saw instead of using my photo, they used one of a 16-year-old model wearing a clown nose, to show that she’s hilarious. But those are my words. What about who I am, and what I have to say? I can be reduced to that lost college freshman so quickly sometimes, I want to quit. Not performing, but being a woman altogether. I want to throw my hands in the air, after reading a mean Twitter comment, and say, ‘All right! You got it. You figured me out. I’m not pretty. I’m not thin. I do not deserve to use my voice…. All my self-worth is based on what you can see.’ But then I think, Fuck that.



18. “My comedy is unapologetic and fearless. Like, sometimes you’ll wind up having condomless sex with someone that you probably shouldn’t. I’m interested in sharing that part of myself unapologetically so that other people will hopefully feel better.”



19. “I think of myself as a fairly attractive girl and always have, thanks to my mom. I was brought into this world thinking I was gorgeous because my mother was extremely devoted to this notion.”



20. “I am a hot-blooded fire and I am fearless.”



21. “I like making things. I like working on them. I want people to see them. But I’m not so excited to leave my apartment the day after they do.”



22. “It’s been a life-altering year. But I guess every year for everyone is a life-altering year.”



23. “I have an excuse, actually, why I’ve been drinking so much. I haven’t said this out loud yet – this is exciting – I’m drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody’s being evicted.”



24. “I am a woman with thoughts and questions and shit to say.”



25. [After arriving at college] “All of a sudden, being witty and charismatic didn’t mean shit. Day after day, I could feel the confidence drain from my body. I was not what these guys wanted. They wanted thinner, blonder, dumber … My sassy one-liners were only working on the cafeteria employees, who I was visiting all too frequently, tacking on not the Freshman 15, but the 30, in record-breaking time, which led my mother to make comments over winter break like, ‘You look healthy!’ I was getting no male attention, and I’m embarrassed to say, it was killing me.”



26. “Now I feel strong and beautiful. I walk proudly down the streets of Manhattan. The people I love, love me. I make the funniest people in the country laugh, and they are my friends. I am a great friend and an even better sister. I have fought my way through harsh criticism and death threats for speaking my mind. I am alive, like the strong women in this room before me.” TC mark


Kim Quindlen

I'm a staff writer for Thought Catalog. I like comedy and improv. I live in Chicago. My Uber rating is just okay.

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