How To Make People Think You’re An Attractive Woman

Kim Kardashian

Be as thin as you possibly can. Get a thigh gap with the help of your local liposuction center. A less expensive option is to just run on a treadmill for 286 minutes per day. If you need some motivation while on the treadmill, attach some bacon to a piece of string and dangle in front of you while you run. (But never eat the bacon. Lol, eating.)

Do not have cellulite. You can achieve this by going to social events where all of the lights are turned off.

Always have a natural tan and a sun-kissed glow. You can do this by either living in Aruba from Monday through Friday, or by selling your refrigerator and getting a tanning bed in its place, since you shouldn’t be eating anyways.

Have perfectly round, shapely lips. If your lips are small, develop an allergy to bees and then have a bee sting you on the lip each morning while you are getting ready. Your lips will swell up to a nice, plump shape that makes you easier to look at. A great tip is to keep a beehive in your bathtub so you don’t have to keep running out to Walgreens to buy more bees.

While you should be maintaining a perfectly thin and tiny body, make sure you still have big boobs and a round derriere. If you are not born with these assets, apologize to anyone who has to look at you, because it’s your fault.

If you are born with big boobs or a large butt or both, and clothing tends to be tighter on you even if you can’t help it, make sure to look humbled and ashamed when other people give you judgmental looks and hint that you are kind of slutty.

Although you should be extremely skinny, you should also be toned. If you think you aren’t toned enough, buy a ShakeWeight and don’t feel weird while you’re using it.

While working to attain this all around perfect body, be sure to simultaneously not care about body image at all and make sure to tell everyone that you just love yourself for who you are. Eat pizza and throw back beers with the guys so that they know you’re a cool and chill girl. In order to stay thin, just will the pizza out of your body and you should be all set.

Always dress in a sexy and revealing way, but also dress like a very classy young lady. It is your job to find a way to show some cleavage while wearing a button-up cardigan.

Be a slut, but only secretly. Be super fun and adventurous in the bedroom, but also pretend like you’re a virgin. If you’re unsure of how to feel, tell everyone about your sexual history and then ask them to give their opinion on what you should and shouldn’t be doing and then follow that advice blindly. Do not think for yourself. Thinking is dangerous and you could scare one of the Real Housewives.

Have no feelings. If you do find that they occasionally show up, do the healthy thing and bury them deep down inside of you. Try to be as emotionless as possible. A bonus would be to try and not to have any interesting thoughts either. Think Bella from Twilight.

Be thin! Feel nothing! Good luck! Thought Catalog Logo Mark

About the author

Kim Quindlen

I’m a staff writer for Thought Catalog. I like comedy and improv. I live in Chicago. My Uber rating is just okay.

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