27 Things I Wish I Could Tell My Early-2000s Self

Lizzie McGuire
Lizzie McGuire

1. Blue eye shadow is a mistake. Stop gravitating towards it like an excited circus clown.

2. Avoid orange rubber bands on your braces. I do not care if it’s Halloween.

3. Stop having a crush on Lance Bass.

4. A game of M.A.S.H. is a totally acceptable and logical way of finding your soulmate

5. Stop thinking you’re impressive for knowing all the words to “Lose Yourself.” So does every other 13-year-old white kid.

6. Wearing blue sweatpants that say “PINK” on the butt doesn’t make any sense.

7. Do not fret: eventually, flared jeans will go out of style.

8. Yes, watching the premiere of Zenon: The Zequel is an excellent way to spend your Friday night.

9. The amount of times you will laugh when people tell you a boner joke even though you don’t yet know what the word boner means is: twenty-seven.

10. When “Hips Don’t Lie” comes on at the school dance, just sit this one out. Your hips do not work that way.

11. Stop spending $70 on plain white t-shirts that say Abercrombie and Fitch across the front and have nothing else interesting going on whatsoever.

12. Do not crimp your hair. You will just walk around looking like a mistake.

13. The O.C. will eventually get bad.

14. Rubbing a glitter ball from Bath & Body Works all over your face looks heinous and you should stop including it in your beauty regimen.

15. Stop saying “That’s hot.” You sound like an idiot.

16. Eventually everybody will get bored of watching Survivor, but they will keep making new seasons anyway.

17. Your stance on *NSYNC versus Backstreet Boys will tell people a lot about you, even ten years from now.

18. Do not waste your time trying to copy Hilary Duff’s hairstyles in Lizzie McGuire. You will fail. Butterfly clips are the devil’s work.

19. Boys will eventually stop getting mushroom haircuts, or combing up the hair above their forehead in the gem of a hairstyle known as “the flick.” Just hang in there.

20. Do not try to understand what’s going on in the Lady Marmalade video. Just embrace it.

21. Learn to like Mariah’s song “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” Because it will never go away.

22. Do not see Gigli. Or think about it or discuss it or have any opinions on it.

23. Learn every word to the “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” theme song. You will need it.

24. Yes, having to run the mile is the worst day of P.E. class. Just accept that as the truth.

25. Now That’s What I Call Music! CDs will never die. Now 87 is actually a thing.

26. Wear the hell out of your jean skirt while you still can. Soon, this glorious fashion trend will be over.

27. People will forget about Janet Jackson’s boob. Eventually. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

I’m a staff writer for Thought Catalog. I like comedy and improv. I live in Chicago. My Uber rating is just okay.

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