Oh, winter. Yes, it might be cold outside, but it gives you an excuse to curl up on the couch with a cup of hot chocolate and your lover by your side. Unless, of course, you’re single. Then you hate your life and you tell everyone you know that gaining 20 pounds over the winter is a VERY REAL condition. If you’re feeling bummed out and lonely, here are 25 things you can cozy up next to instead of a loving, living being.
1. Pizza. Preferably a large pizza in a box. But hey, you can make a single slice work as well.
2. Your unwilling cat. Because nothing says “you’re lonely and you need to find a life partner” like a rude, furry animal that wants nothing to do with you.
3. Your neighbor’s unwilling cat that you kidnapped. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
4. Your roommate. But only when they’re asleep. Because obviously you don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable. And you don’t want their pity. Best to wait until they’re unconscious.
5. A physical copy of Taylor Swift’s 1989 album. To remind you that there are other people out there who are more single than you.
6. A dead house plant. Because it’s a metaphor for yourself. Because you are dead inside.
7. The blow-up doll from Lars and the Real Girl. In case you’re really starting to lose it and you need to find a way to let your friends know. But in a subtle, socially acceptable, and artistic way.
8. A large bottle of Barefoot wine.
9. A large, empty bottle of Barefoot wine.
10. Your iPhone. While you’re using it to FaceTime your mom.
11. A shower loofa. Because it smells like you, and right now, you’re the only one you can count on.
12. A large bag of potato chips. So that while you’re laying on the couch, the loud, crinkling noise of the bag will keep you from slipping into a purposeful yearlong coma.
13. That one scarf that you think makes you look really hot. But really, it just makes you physically hot on the subway to the point where you break into a sweat and people start looking in other directions.
14. A onesie. So that you don’t have to deal with an uncomfortable waistband digging into your abs stomach, and so that you can behave as an infant in as many ways as possible.
15. A poem by Emily Dickinson. Just to make everything a little bit worse.
16. Your gym shoes. Because you’re not giving them any other use this winter.
17. Cake. No questions, please.
18. The remote. Because after a long and miserable day, it’s the only thing you want to come home to.
19. A giant bathrobe. It doubles as a blanket and as a way of not having to put on pants when the delivery guy comes to the door. For every meal.
20. The delivery guy. Depending on how desperate you are and how willing they are to cuddle with strangers who answer the door crying.
21. A stuffed animal from your childhood. As a way to remind yourself that you are an incredible disappointment to the 5-year-old version of yourself. But whatever. Five-year-old you named your teddy bear “Teddy” so they’re stupid anyway.
22. A volley ball named Wilson. Draw a face on it. And take it with you when you escape off the deserted island that is your couch, when you’re searching for bigger and better things (read: when you get up to go to the fridge.)
23. A notepad. So that you can keep a daily log of your activities close by, in case you end up in a situation like the guy from Serial and you need an alibi. Your alibi will be “the couch” or “the fridge” but it’s better than nothing.
24. A poster of Enrique Iglesias. Because he’s really annoying. But if you’re lovely enough, maybe your opinion will change. You can play “Hero” in the background while you cry into his one-dimensional mole.
25. One of those “life alert” bracelets that old people wear. So you don’t have to be the person in the black-and-white part of the infomercial who falls down the stairs and dies alone. It’ll be like cuddling with your own personal EMT.