I miss you.
I know that I’m not supposed to be saying this, but I do. I really miss you.
Some days, I miss you so much that it hurts. I wake up realizing everything that has happened between us, instantly making me want to return to sleep. The pain doesn’t hurt as much when I’m dreaming of you.
I’ve been overthinking again. Overthinking about everything that has happened between us the last few months. Searching to figure out where it all went wrong. Trying to determine how we even got here. Looking for an answer on how things got so messed up.
How did we even get here?
How did we get to the place where we can’t even be a part of each other’s lives? A point where we had to stop communication entirely. Which proceeded with me removing you from every aspect of my life. I’m still struggling to wrap my head around it all. Struggling to come to terms with it all.
I wish that we could go back; to the time where you were only mine. When I could say anything that I wanted to tell you, without even having to think twice. Do you remember those days? Staying up until three in the morning talking. Planning our future and the day that we could finally completely be together.
At one point, you were everything I ever wanted. Now, I’m not even sure what I want out of life. I’m so lost without you.
You gave me direction. You gave me hope. You were my everything.
What am I supposed to do now that you are gone?
Everyone keeps telling me to keep my head up. Reminding me that everything happens for a reason. Saying there is a greater purpose to all of this. Promising me that one-day, I will meet someone who will help me forget about this all. Someone who will make me forget about you.
But the truth is, I don’t want to forget about you. I don’t want to replace you. I want you. It’s as plain and simple as that. You are the one that I want to be with, no one else.
You. That is all I want. Is that too much to ask for? Apparently, it is.
There are so many things I want to ask you right now. And even more things I wish I could say you. If I could, I would express how much I miss you. That I think about you everyday. Tell you how much you use to mean to me. How much you still do.
Tell you one last time that I love you, because I do truly love you. If I was allowed to say any of this, I would in a heartbeat.
But I guess that’s the hard part about not talking anymore. I can’t say any of this to you. I’m not allowed to convey any of this to you. Instead, I’m suppose to pretend that I’m doing fine without you. Pretend that I’m happy now that you are gone. Act like I don’t miss you all the time. Put on a face so that you think that I’m better off without you. Prove to you that I am better off without. All in an effort to make you regret every letting me go.
But you know me better than that. You know that I’m not. You know that I’m struggling to get by without you. You have to know all of this, because you know me better than that. You know me better than most people do.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that; I miss you; every day, every morning, and every night. I miss you like the moon misses the sun. I miss you like the ocean misses the shore. I miss you more than I should.
And the worst part of it all; I miss you more than you ever miss me.