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A Short List Of Some Things I’ll Never Text

1. “There’s this light that hits around 6:45/7 PM that’s truly gold and the way it makes the dust in my apartment dance and the way it bounces around sometimes makes me wonder if God exists and if he or she or whatever doesn’t, how we’re so lucky to get to see this sort of thing.”

2. “I know you probably don’t realize or care when it happens, but you hurt people’s feelings with your blind levels of self-absorption. You’ve hurt mine. More than once. So learn to read the room or to not say anything at all. Make that your own personal golden rule. You can do better. You need to do better.”

3. “Once our hands touched and I thought, ‘This is what is what they mean when they talk about sparks isn’t it,’ but I never said anything. I think it every time I see you. Every time someone mentions you. I still haven’t said anything.”

4. “I wish I knew for sure that you cared about me. Like…I’m pretty sure. But the fact that I haven’t ever heard an audible ‘Thank you’ from you worries me. And makes me wildly uncomfortable.”

5. “Sometimes I imagine how you describe(d) me to people and it makes me pause for multiple minutes. Like…what was I to you? Who was I to you? Am I anything? Or was I just nothing at all?”

6. “I feel used by you. Loved, but used. Is it possible to love someone and use them? I think it is. But that love doesn’t make the using feel better or sting less. It just makes you want to ignore it in order to soak up as much of the love as you can. That’s sad. On both sides. Sad sad sad.”

7. “You’d probably do a lot better in life if you would take five seconds out of your day and *think* about your decisions before you make them. Being as reactive and volatile and vindictive as you are is truly a bad look. You’re embarrassing yourself. Your burning bridges that were barely standing to begin with. Wake up. Wake up before it’s too late and when you finally do, everyone’s really gone.”

8. “I think my favorite thing about myself is how when I start to crush on someone I actively encourage them to pursue someone else because I A) want them to be happy and B) am more in love with self-sabotage than I could probably ever be with another person.”

9. “I’m sorry for it all. For the things I did and didn’t do. More for the things I did because it’s easier to apologize for the things that were actually actions. I know you probably give less than an iota of shits about any apology I could probably give but it’s here. I’m sorry. I’ll never stop being sorry. I’m glad you figured out how to be happy without me.”

10. “It would be really life-changing to go through a summer and not miss you even the tiniest bit.”

11. “I’ve been jealous of you since 2015 and I don’t think it’s ever going to stop. Please continue to be a person I can continue to admire and envy.”

12. “Your welcome for the viral pieces that you know were about you. Yes—you read that right. I’m not sorry even a little bit that you saw them.” TC mark

Kendra Syrdal

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Image Credit: Dustin Adams

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