A Short List Of Things I Would Never Want To Admit Out Loud
I am wildly afraid that I'm not mentally capable of falling in love with someone again.
1. I get so stressed out about the American political climate that I cry regularly. Not like, sob. But definitely cry. Because I feel helpless and scared and embarrassed and just…bad. I feel sorry too. Which contributes to the bad.
2. Sometimes I think about the times that I kissed her in alleyways in the city and I know that it would’ve been a terrible idea to go any further but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to do it again.
3. I frequently think back to things in my childhood and relate them to how I obviously had/have OCD and anxiety and I get really mad that nobody stood up for me.
4. I worry that I have bad habits. And I sugarcoat them to make them seem like they aren’t that big of a deal.
5. I am wildly afraid that I’m not mentally capable of falling in love with someone again.
6. Actually, I’m afraid of a ton of things. But I act like I’m absolutely unafraid to combat that.
7. I haven’t actually liked someone I’ve had sex with in almost two years.
8. And that last person I liked? He wouldn’t care if I died.
9. I also don’t think he would remember my name if it weren’t for social media. So that’s cool.
10. I’m not proud of myself.
11. I buy things to try and make people attach themselves to me because I think that will make me feel more fulfilled.
12. The only things I regularly like about myself is that I’m clever and quicker than most, and I have good hair. But I pretty much only feel like I have good hair when someone else does it.
13. I’m afraid of ghosts. Like, very very very afraid.
14. I think there is a spider somewhere in my apartment who wants me to die and is biting the fuck out of me at night. But I can’t find it. And if I found it, I would drown it. I would make it die a slow death. Because all of these bites later, it deserves a painful death.
15. But genuinely, wanting a living thing to die that badly and that horrifically makes me feel pretty fucked up. So like, maybe it’s fine that this bug is biting me at night. Maybe that’s just how nature works.
16. Sometimes I think that I’m going to have to move to New York and I don’t really like New York and that makes me want to vomit.
17. My period has be progressively getting worse as I’ve gotten older, and now I can’t predict it and I’ve stained three pairs of underwear, a pair of shorts, and a pair of sweatpants in the last week.
18. I’m worried about developing scurvy. Which seems…really dumb.
19. I worked really hard on my anxiety stuff for a while and grew my nails out, only to panic and peel off my gel manicure and bite them down until four out of ten were bleeding all in one night.
20. I get worried about everyone moving on without me and being the person who settled.
21. The most I’ve cooked in my apartment in the last six months was making ramen and learning how to poach eggs in the microwave. Today, I ate popcorn for 75% of my meals. 