17 Indisputable Reasons Why I Am A Terrible Human Being

Mike And Dave Need Wedding Dates

1. I almost never hold the elevator door when I hear my neighbors come through the front door. Instead I mash the “doors closed” button multiple times and pretend like I’m super enthralled with an almost always nonexistent text message if they do happen to catch up and sneak in.

2. And along the same lines, I have little to no interest in getting to know most of them. I’ve never been a “hey neighbor!” kind of girl so making small talk with someone just because we happen to share a wall and a mail room seems so forced to me.

3. I judge people based on their footwear. Especially if they wear tennis shoes as casual wear outside of a gym.

4. A few years ago someone’s makeup subscription box came through my mail…and I kept it.

5. I don’t care that my dog is sort of grumpy and generally dislikes other living things and growls at the door when she hears people walk by. I actually think it’s a beautiful instance of animals and humans taking on each other’s personalities and I’m not mad about it.

6. At least half of the time (including now while I’m writing this) when I’m wearing headphones I’m not playing anything. I just have them on so no one tries to talk to me and if they do, I’m not perceived as being **AS** rude when I do not respond.

7. I don’t always recycle.

8. And I don’t compost.

9. And I almost always have at least one light one at all times in my apartment. Whether it be my salt rock lamp or otherwise.

10. I leave friend requests pending on Facebook for months and then just hit “deny” like…90 days later.

11. When asked a stupid question I’ve passive aggressively responded with “ha” before actually answering.

12. And I maintain that there are, in fact, very stupid questions that people should not ask unless they really are for whatever reason completely incapable of figuring out how to use Google. Therefore, I feel like my “ha” is justifiable.

13. I’ve purposefully selected “log out of all devices” on some of the streaming services I let my friends have the passwords to because they were fucking up my queue in my profile and not using the designated profiles I made for them. (Whoever was watching Family Guy, this is your goddamn fault.)

14. I have acquaintances that I only continue to interact with because their lives are so messy and all over the place and frankly, it is entertaining.

15. I do not believe all babies are beautiful or all kids are great. Sometimes children have features they REALLY need a few years to grow into and act like little, bratty tyrants and so no, I don’t have to think they’re cute just because they’re tiny.

16. I don’t break down my boxes before putting them into the recycling room. Ever.

17. I know I’m a bad person, and I don’t try to hide it. “Ha.” TC mark

Kendra Syrdal

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