17 Things I Should Probably, Definitely Know How To Do At 27

Tim Gouw

1. Properly chop onions.
How much am I supposed to peel off? How do you get them so tiny? I watched this video of this onion master like 12 times in complete aw because I know in my soul I will never be able to do that. Instead, I sort of just fling my knife around and hope for the best. It’s going okay.

2. Clean grout.
Are you supposed to use a toothbrush? Is there a grout brush I could/should Amazon Prime Now? Is this dollar sponge just a waste of arm strength because it’s pointless? Do I know? Does anyone?

3. Eat produce that I buy before it spoils.
There is currently a potato in my fridge that is sprouting so many eyes it looks like a rejected Tim Burton character. I had every intention of grilling it and its friends…but only got about halfway through the bag before Postmates was calling my name and I forgot they were in the vegetable drawer.

4. Change the batteries in my smoke detector.
Maybe it’s a side effect of being a brat and just always asking my landlord to do it…but I genuinely don’t know how. Do smoke detectors take special batteries? Is this something I should care about learning to do or like, is it not actually that big of a deal?

5. Not feel endlessly enticed by Sephora.
If there is a woman who goes to Sephora to replace her beauty blender and doesn’t walk out with at least $50 worth of other shit, I would like to meet her and ask her how she lives her life.

6. Drink enough water.
I drank 2 La Croixs today. That has to count for something, right?

7. Stop comparing myself to 25-year-olds who seem vastly superior to me.
Nothing makes me panic and freak out faster than when I realize a lot of the writers I know are 24. I didn’t get into the ~content game~ until I was 25, so all of that grinding and building a Twitter following and well…writing came later for me than a lot of people. But here we are. So I’m just going to be insecure that’s pretty much going to be that. Fun! Times!

8. Invest.
I’ve gone from being “the worst person ever” with money to like, “sort of okay” with money. But I feel like there’s so much more I should be doing with my money. I feel like at a certain age, you’re supposed to learn how to be one of those people who takes money and turns it into MORE money. But if there is an inner Jack Donaghy hiding somewhere, I have yet to find him.

9. Or just like, generally know what to do with my money.
So I have a savings account and a stash of cash hidden in my apartment and an Acorns account and that’s about it.

10. Dress like an adult.
This week, I bought two new Harry Potter sweatshirts and new sneakers. I’ve expensed things before! I have insurance on my phone! I’m an adult, I swear! But you’ll never know looking at me.

11. Cut my dog’s toenails.
She screams, I cry. It’s just a bad time all around.

12. Go to bed at a decent hour.
Last night I eventually fell asleep at 2 AM after binge watching approximately half a season of RuPaul’s Drag Race. I was also awake at 4, 6, and eventually just got up at 7:30. I’m not a good sleeper, I don’t have a great bedtime routine. I’m working on it. (I’m not.)

13. And remember to blow my candles out before passing out.
Yeah…when I woke up at 4? The two tobacco-scented candles I had burning were definitely still going strong. Glad I’m not dead stay blessed.

14. How to snake a drain.
I hear people talk about it but I just pour Draino and hope for the best.

15. An effective way to stop biting my nails.
Today while I was dealing with a particularly frustrating bank endeavor I completed shredded and peeled my middle fingernail on my left hand. It bled for an hour. My finger is throbbing. I’m so conscious about my gross-looking hands and I want to stop, but here we are. Bloody fingertips and all.

16. When I’m supposed to schedule doctor and dentist appointments.
I just shoot for a day when I don’t have a lot going on and hope for the best.

17. How to stop giving a shit.
And honestly? I probably always will.


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