27 Things I Still Have Absolutely No Clue About At 27

1. The proper way to break bad news to people. I usually put it off until the last minute and then end up blurting it out attached to 18 different apologies. I keep myself up at night figuring out how to make it easiest for everyone to take instead of just owning and delivering the news. It’s one of my worst, worst habits.

2. How exactly to save for retirement. I know I’m doing it but…where is the money? Can I see it? Should I have more than one place where I’m doing it? When do people retire? Is it boring? It sounds kind of boring…

3. The proper way fold a fitted sheet. I honestly don’t think it’s possible. It’s likely part of some sort of pyramid scheme. Or sorcery. Or both.

4. How to completely manage my anxiety. So I end up freaking out ever couple weeks and laying on my floor for two hours while staring and random YouTube makeup tutorials thinking about giving up and moving back in with my parents. And then I call my mom and she shoots down that idea so I cry in the bathtub and force myself to get up the next morning anyway.

5. Where I’m “supposed” to be. Should I be married right now? Bouncing a baby on my hip? Or is okay that I stay up until 3 AM working and editing even thought it means getting 4 hours of sleep? Is there a right way to grow up? Will I ever know?

6. How to properly manage my stress levels. So I continually rip my cuticles off of my fingers and my heart is always racing and I am thoroughly convinced that people hate me and that they’re disappointed in me and that I’m going to die unsuccessful and alone. It’s fine. I’m fine. Everything is fine.

7. What it means to accept that people will fail you. People make mistakes. It’s human nature. But when those mistakes happen it’s really difficult for me to not be hurt and upset and stunned. I admittedly have a really hard time moving past it when people wrong me or let me down.

8. What it means to accept that you’re going to fail. Even more difficult for me is the acceptance that I am not perfect, and that I’m going to drop the ball. That I’m going to make mistakes. That my own failures are inevitable. I don’t know how to take them and move on without having a full fledged internal meltdown. And honestly? It’s exhausting.

9. How to stop biting my cuticles/nails. Manicurists shame me, I instinctually sit on my hands to avoid showing them off. It’s an insecurity. But I’ve chewed on them since I was in first grade and can’t seem to figure out how to stop.

10. When to say “when.” I’m perpetually burning the candle at both ends, am always the person drowning in being busy. I say yes to too many things and overcommit while underestimating my own ability to burn out. I’m constantly overworked, constantly freaked out, and if I don’t stop at some point, I’m a subtle 68% sure that I will die from being stressed out.

11. If there’s ever an age that you reach when you’re done growing. Each year I feel like I look back and barely recognize who I was just 365 days prior. And I don’t know if that ever stops. Maybe we’re always evolving. And maybe that’s okay.

12. If there’s ever an age where things are just easy. I feel like there are always things I struggle with, or worry about, or can’t manage. And when I look at people roughly around my age (or people who are older than me and think back to what they were like in their twenties) and see just how easily their day to days seem to be, I can’t help but feel like my floundering is all me.

13. What it means to move on. And not obsess over things I no longer have any say in, control over, or play in my life.

14. How to stay hydrated. I am notoriously terrible at drinking water. My lips are always chapped and I am always a little thirsty. I’m trying to get better about it but between that and the nail biting, I’m a goddamn mess.

15. What a reasonable time to go to sleep is. It’s not 4 AM? It’s not sunrise? Oh well no one told informed my terrible, insomniac body that that was the case.

16. If there’s a salad out there that is actually delicious and edible. I hate eating leaves I hate eating leaves I hate eating leaves I hate eating leaves I hate eating leaves I hate eating leaves I hate eating leaves I hate eating leaves I hate eating leaves I hate eating leaves.

17. What it feels like to trust my judgement unwaveringly. Every time I go to do something “adult” like paying bills or signing a contract or even fucking buying a piece of furniture, I don’t trust myself to make the right call. It’s like there’s this goblin that lives inside of me who sees the right decision, the responsible choice, but instead thinks of all the ways she could screw it up instead. I feel magnetically drawn to fucking things up. To making the bad choice. To purposefully making the choice that will make something a disaster. And because of that, I never know if I can trust myself. #justgirlythings

18. If there’s a God. Or are we all just in this with no fate, no guidance, no ever after. If we’re all just in this to win it and sometimes we don’t or if things are determined on any level.

19. How there are people out there who still don’t believe in equality. Ya’ll need to get a tumblr. And a conscious.

20. How to stop being disappointed by people. And subsequently stop letting my said disappointment affect my ability to interact with them normally, healthily, and everything in between.

21. How to stop being disappointed by myself. When I fail or just have off days and genuinely feel like I will never amount to anything. I don’t know how to resist those days and not let them just ruin a full 24 hours or more for me.

22. How to accurately predict when I’m going to get my period. I have a general idea of when it’ll happen but every month one morning it’s just like this gif of Emma Roberts being all “Surprise, bitch!” and I end up having to soak a pair of underwear in the sink for a day to save it from it’s fate.

23. How to be one of those people who saves money. I don’t NEED to buy lipsticks or sweatshirts that promote my love of avocado toast…but I do. I don’t have to buy Vans or spend the money that I spend…but I do. It’s a problem. And one that I should probably stop avoiding.

24. What the proper “time and place” to confront someone actually is. Is there ever a good time for awkward conversations? I’m not sure.

25. Why being vulnerable is so. damn. hard. So instead I retreat into my repressed, “everything is fine!!!!” self and completely fight against telling people how I feel and then it explodes and I end up having a meltdown. I’m very fun at parties.

26. How to stop overthinking. Lol.

27. If I’ll ever consider myself a grown up. Survey says: unlikely.