When you enter your late twenties, there’s an undeniable (albeit metaphorical) shift in the air. The behavior that used to be cute or charming or oh-so-quirky is suddenly kind of, well, sad. Getting blacked out on a Tuesday isn’t being a wild child, it’s having a problem and worrying people. Existing solely on Sargento slices and bagels eaten in front of an open fridge isn’t el oh el, it’s a recipe for serious digestion issues.
And pretending like you can settle for your boyfriend’s annoying and stupid behavior in the name of ~ love ~ is just something most women past the age of 23 have decided they simply do not have time for.
I’m not saying that you should just hand your S/O a list of “17 Things You Could Do To Be A Better Forever Person”…but I think we all have seen at least one relationship where one person is calling the shots, even if they’re pretending like everything is fair city.
This dude over at Post Grad Problems has a girl who CLEARLY has some opinions about the state of their relationship. And I’m sorry, but if you see your person doing this sort of “oh-so-subtle” manipulation…they’re telling you that they definitely think they can do better. Hey – the truth hurts.
No. 1: She signed me up for a five-mile race on Thanksgiving without my consent.
If the calculations by my Nike Run Club iPhone app are correct, running five miles at once is more than I’ve run combined since April 22, 2011 when I was training for a half-marathon that I ended up skipping in order to drink 13.1 Mint Juleps at The Kentucky Derby. I could go on about how much I’m dreading having a heart attack on a national holiday in front of her family, but I already have.
She says: “Babe let’s just go for a run, it’s going to be so fun.”
She means: “Babe, you need to go on a run because our equivalent hottness isn’t aligning.”
Unless you’re a #fitgoals couple who believes the pair who gets swol together stays together, all this means is that she wishes you were less Chris Pratt in Parks & Rec, and more Chris Pratt in Jurassic World. No girl has ever pretended like going and getting sweaty was her idea of a good time unless:
A) There was potential for a great Instagram.
B) She has an event to attend where she wants to be the skinniest.
C) She thinks that she’s “helping” someone else.
This isn’t your girlfriend suggesting that you guys take up a new hobby — that’s what Book Clubs are for. This is her hoping she can start buying 32/34s and Medium v-necks at Banana Republic.
No. 2: She conned me into doing a points-based fitness competition with her sister.
It’s never a good sign when your girlfriend has to bring in reinforcements in an effort to motivate you. Again, I could go on, but I already have.
If your significant other is bringing up dieting, they’re telling you something. Again, I could on, but I already have.
No. 3: This conversation we had while watching Friends.
Please keep in mind that at no point did she look me in the eye while corresponding with me during the episode where Brad Pitt tells Rachel about the “I Hate Rachel” Club.
Me: Which ‘Friend’ would I be?
When she said Chandler, the first two things that came into my head were, “It’s because I’m quick-witted and sarcastic,” and, “It’s because he got fat after developing a serious pill addiction.” Somehow being called a “beta male” was worse than the latter.
Every girl **says** she wants an alpha, but that’s because every girl is still slightly hung up on the first guy who she smoked pot with at 11 PM in the backseat of his Nissan. Any girl who tries to belittle dating beta males while simultaneously dating one is the kind of girl who says she thought about getting a nipple pierced, but opted for a cartilage piercing instead. She’s the girl who wishes she could be a Rizzo, but knows she’s more of a Frenchie. She knows she’s probably a beta female, and she’s projecting that insecurity onto you.
No. 4: She’s been encouraging me to buy ‘medium’ shirts when I’m clearly a size large.
As if the lighting in department stores didn’t accentuate my flaws enough, I have to sit there while she’s handing me medium-sized shirts. This isn’t high school anymore, lady. I can’t just go to Burger King and order $13 worth of food, nor can I still fit comfortably into a medium-sized shirt. Have you ever seen what my body does after three beers? I’ll give you a hint: it rhymes with ‘gloating’ and is the reason you probably FaceTune me behind my back.
She says: “Try this in a smaller size. Just try it.”
She means: “Goddammit I will mold you into something that will look good a Christmas card SO HELP ME.”
No. 5: She plans everything months in advance.
There’s such a thing called ‘planning,’ and then there’s a thing called, ‘making sure my boyfriend won’t fuck this up.’ On one hand, excessive and premature planning ensures that all will go smoothly and we won’t encounter any surprises. On the other hand, I’d rather play FIFA against an 8-year-old Mexican boy a la medium-shirted-high-school-me rather than plan what time we need to leave for the airport to make our pre-Christmas flight. Like, can’t I just call an Uber an hour before and sprint to my gate like the old days?
If your girlfriend is sending you excessive itinerary lists before a weekend vacay at a B&B you didn’t even want to pay for in the first place, she’s really telling you how little she trusts you. I bet you get a Pinterest board for gift “suggestions” too, right? (I’m right.) Just wait until you find her wedding board. I promise it’s out there and it definitely includes a barn, twinkle lights, and one of those slow-timed sparkler photos. (I’m still right.)
No. 6: Party invites come with suggested wardrobe.
“Your plaid shirt will be good for this wedding shower,” I’m told. “Everyone at the gender reveal party will be wearing pants,” I’m texted.
Sure, weddings with open bars and live bands who play Motown always specify that they’re black tie, but it’s rare to get a baby shower invite that explicitly states, “Do not wear that one shirt you always wear when we go out with my family.” Just like everyone needs one of those friends who will keep you honest by saying, “Gettin’ a little thick there, might want to clean it up,” girlfriends are there to make sure you look good in their Instagram photos. Well, and to make sure you’re not wearing the same shirts in consecutive posts.
Girls who dress their boyfriends are the same girls who answer every question FOR the couple, but attempt to pull it off as a question.
“We totally loved the Airbnb we stayed in in Venice. Only complaint was the infinity pool was like, lowkey cold. I mean spring for a heater, right babe?”
“No, we’re not doing gluten right now. Whole 30 is the worst, right babe?”
“I’ve always thought Winter weddings were like, kind of tacky. I mean who REALLY likes fake snow, right babe?”
She doesn’t care if you thinks she’s right. She already knows she is because she has decided it is so. So let it be basic, so let it be done.
Oh, and to call 9-1-1 when you collapse at mile two of a Turkey Trot.
Dude if you pass out on a run she organized in the jersey she told you to wear after drinking the cleanse water SHE picked out, she’s going to ask to see other people. Godspeed.