Okay what the fuck did I just watch.

Was that the fever dream of Ryan Murphy and his perfect AHS? I’m so lost, so confused. Which is what I feel like he would want? I feel like his entire goal this season has been to get you to go, “What the actual HELL?” at the end of each episode. So, if that’s the case, Bravo Murphy. You have definitely accomplished that.

Basically that 45 minutes plus commercials was a lot to handle. So let’s not dilly dally around and dive right in, shall we?

—

So tbh, I missed the first 2.75 minutes because I was buying wine, but apparently Dominic and Shelbs were in the tunnels beneath the house and encountered some crawelers (apparently they were the Chen family, but I missed that completely) on that ceiling (very The Descent of them) that had it OUT for the duo. Screams ensued. Enter the title screen. Basically it wasn’t great. But I mean, how great can something be when it’s crawling at you upside down and on a ceiling, you feel me??

This gif is not from AHS but it illustrated my point. Deal with it.

After running back up from the tunnels, Dom slams his fingers in the door and Shelby and he plot how to get out of the house. Shelby maintains that they are doomed, and while Dominic keeps making jokes and repeating that he thinks it’s fine…well…his vlogs of his and Shelby’s face aren’t very convincing. Shelby says he’s a good actor, because she knows they’re screwed.

The Pig Man appears all shirtless and murderous them and actually ready to fight for herself, Shelby stabs him in the head. This doesn’t take him down, because apparently being axed doesn’t kill a spirit twice, and he while chases them, she still fights him off. The chandelier falls and WRECKS Shelby, Pig Man…not so wrecked. Many ghosts start appearing and are all spooky and crawling and attacking, so Dominic locks the two of them in a bathroom.

Shelby laughs very creepily, because “They’re back where they started.” Dom asks her to stay with him, but Shelby is over it. She sobs about how she killed the only man she loved, how there’s no place left for her, and promptly slices her own throat.

So goodbye, Shelby.

Back at the Cannibal Cannabis Cabin (see what I did there?) Mama Polk is explaining to her son, Jether, (Finn for all of you people who were confused last week) why she likes “thin” slices of “meat.” Because they’re cannibals and well, I guess you can have preferences when you’re a cannibal. It’s at this moment that I because incredibly confused as to why/how there are cameras installed in the Polk residence. Are they the Polk’s personal security system? Or did the reality show put them there? If it’s the second, how did they negotiate that setup without being turned into people popcorn? (See, told you I was confused this episode.)

Finn take the task from Mama for explaining why exactly they eat people. She tells Lee about a time during the depression when some thieves stole their pigs, and instead of letting the thieves who’d just stuffed themselves with bacon go, had “their own feast.” And now, they still do. It’s been passed down from generation to generation. Mama digs deep into Lee’s leg, for more “sweet meat” and grossly explains that they keep their people alive because it makes the meat fresh for longer.

After tormerting Lee further, Finn cuts of her ear and then talks to her about her daughter, Flora. (Remember Flora!!! Who is she with? Her dad is barbecued, her mom is well…busy…that poor child.) Lee makes a deal with Jether, who apparently really wants to be on TV, that if he works with her to get her out, she’ll get him on the show. That’s not going to happen. He admits that the original Pig Man was a Polk, and then tells Lee that they’re all screwed because as big as TV would make him, “there’ no one bigger than Piggy Man.”

Jether comes in and offers Lee a line before he fillets her shoulder, she refuses as she’s an addict. According to Jether, Ma likes the “fear and exhaustion” that flavors the meat. So to relax and fuck over Ma, Lee says “screw it” and does a line to prep herself before he butchers her body further.

Lee demands to see or talk to Flora one last time from Jether. Jether, clearly the weakest of the Polk crew, covers Lee’s mangled leg and obliges with his camera. Lee finally gives and and confesses about how she actually is to blame for her husband’s death, she asks for her daughter’s forgiveness, and tells her to rise above the hate and lies she will face.

Lee asks Jether if he’s going to “bust his cherry” with her. She taunts him, tell him to do it, eggs him on. But instead of Jether immediately killing Lee, gets really turned on and and Lee get uncomfortably weird. Jether records it on his phone and Lee, her hand now free due to a lied about hand job, knocks out Jether and frees herself.

When he moves on the floor, as far I can tell she offs him. Knife to head. (Starting to think Lee is who is going to live.)

Audrey is trying to convince the Polks that they are not responsible for those feral pig boys being taken away a million episodes ago. The Polk boys are very confused by the actor/real person thing that is happening. She and Monet tell them that they should just go to the house, where the people who are actually responsible are holed up.  According to Polk sons, if they wear their victim’s teeth, the “others” leave them alone. Just as they’re about to pull one of Monet’s teeth, his pliers break and Monet beats the shit out of him before fleeing and leaving Adurey. Mama Polk comes in, obviously pissed off, and demands that they “go get it” so as not to let Monet get away.

Audrey is left to the hands of Ma. Mama Polk demands that she “open up.” Audrey refuses and tells her to burn in hell. Mama Polk admits to being the one that strung Rory up, and Audrey spits in her face. She rips out one of Audrey’s teeth. Ouch. Mama returns for a another tooth and Lee knocks her out and frees a distraught Audrey. Audrey then bludgeons Mama Polk to death after Lee gets her out of the tooth ripping chair.

—

Back at the house, Dom is losing his cool. He’s asking Sidney (RIP) for help and talking about how he’s supposed to go to Thailand. (Because THAT’S what you think about when you’re being confronted by ghosts. Vacation!) He is locked in the bathroom with a very dead Shelby and is clearly losing it.

Audrey and Lee escape through the house, and find themselves in the basement with Matt’s body. Lee is completely paralyzed by her brother’s body, but Audrey gets her upstairs. Upon being back in the house, the see the fallen chandelier and the damage. Lee refuses, cannibalized leg be damned, to be left behind.

Audrey and Lee make their way up the stairs until they’re back in Audrey’s bedroom, where she has joints and other fun things in her Mary Poppins bag. When Audrey goes to her bathroom, she finds Shelby’s body and Dominic, who is in shock. Audrey has a very dramatic actress moment exclaiming that she feels like a “part of her” has died with Shelby. He fills the girls in with what’s been going down with the ghosts and the Pig Man and the die die dying. Lee and Audrey refuse to believe Dominic about what has been happening in the hosue while they were with the Polk and they force him out of the room, where he’s greeted by the Pig Man, who has been waiting.

And well…Goodbye Dominic.

Audrey films another dramatic “Goodbye cruel World” video, this time within the house. And we see footage the pig man slicing up Dominic, confirming he’s not going to be the sole survivor.

They next morning, Lee says that they have to go back to the farm. Lee reminds Audrey that there is a tape of them killing the Polks, and that they have to go back. But really, she probably wants to get the tape of her confessing to you know, killing her husband.

After exiting the all of the bloody messes in the house, they make their way to the front door, and upon opening it, the Pig Man shows himself, takes off his Piggy head and says, “It’s me!”

Audrey repilies, “Gillam???”

—

So there’s ANOTHER actor being tossed into the mix apparently. We’re down Shelby, Dominic, Rory, Matt, probably Monet because the last we saw of her she was being chased by cannibals in the woods, a whole production crew, and Agnes. We still haven’t really seen the IRL (IRD? In real death?) Butcher, the witch hasn’t shown up in a while besides for a not-so-successful romp with Matt, and Lee is clearly not going down without a fight.

Next week I’ll try to drink less wine when watching. Maybe it will be less confusing.

But…then again…in the words of Sidney…

So no promises.

See you next week, creepy kids!