Here’s Hoping That Someday You See This

Here’s hoping that someday you see this.

That someday, you know that I didn’t forget about you.

Because I didn’t.

Even when you see the read receipt hit when you say that I’m still on your mind and for whatever reason, I don’t say anything back. Even when I hear you’ve asked about me, and I don’t reach out. Even when I feel the familiar static of my body rejecting vulnerability and missing you coursing through my veins.

I still didn’t.

Here’s hoping that someday you see this.

That someday, you can finally hear everything I never said.

Because there’s a lot.

Like I never said that I don’t hate you. That I forgive you. That I don’t blame you. That the only person I’ve ever admitted that I loved you to is my therapist. That I miss your smile. And the way you smell. And the way you held my hands when you would fall asleep. That I miss your family. And I hope you’re safe. And I hope someday you are actually happy and self-assure and you know how much you’re capable of and how much you could accomplish if you just believed in yourself for a chance.

Because I don’t hate you. And I do forgive you. And I don’t blame you. And I did love you. And you can do anything.

Here’s hoping that someday you see this.

And you can realize, that I remember everything.

I remember everything about us. About you.

Like when we would ride on your bike around town and kiss right next to the train as it blew past us at 3 AM. And when you would crawl into my bed all sweaty and smoky and wrap yourself around me in the summer. How you held me in your arms when I finally told you why I built up these walls and what happened when I was 17. And how you’d never force me to say anything but would just light candles and play Michael Bublé and sing while you cooked in my kitchen and kissed me in between stanzas and sauces.

I remember the fights, but I remember the making up. I remember the tears, but I remember the heart. I remember the struggle, but I remember the ease.

I remember everything.

And I remember you.

Here’s hoping that someday you see this.

That someday, we can both get the closure we need.

That someday, we can both know that we did in fact matter.

That we can know that all of the screaming, all of the hostility, all of the mess, all of the heartbreak, was worth it. That we can know that you didn’t just choose her because she wasn’t me, but that you chose her because she was what you needed at the time. That you can know I didn’t shut you out because I was punishing you, I was just protecting myself. That you can know, that you were everything to me, even if only for a little while.

Because maybe someday, we’ll be okay.

Instead of hoping that you saw this, I’ll know. And instead of texting my friends that I want to text you, I’ll just say hi instead. Instead of trying to force myself to remember your smile, I’ll see it. And instead of hoping, it’ll just be.

But for now…

Here’s hoping that someday you see this.

And here’s hoping, that that same someday is the day when it will be exactly what you need. What we need.

Someday.