The dude who likes fight club is about as basic as the girl who thinks listing that she likes wine and Netflix in her Tinder profile shows off her “personality.” He’s going to be the dude who tries to mansplain The Matrix to you when you don’t want to watch Neo be the chosen one again because let’s face it, it wasn’t that cool the first time. Absolutely will get blackout drunk and try to start fights that he has no intention of actually participating in for no other reason than to back up his wild insecurities surrounding his masculinity. Don’t just back away slowly from this one, run. Run fast, hon.
A guy who says The Godfather is his favorite book is either the guy who still seriously believes that being Italian doesn’t mean you’re white, or the guy who is clinging with all his might to the hope that fedoras and pinstripes will someday be cool. Spoiler alert: they never will be.
Definitely doesn’t wear deodorant and will lecture you about the aluminum in Dove and the fluoride in your Crest toothpaste. He probably went somewhere like Evergreen where they didn’t get grades and made up their major and he choose to study drum circles or dendrology because it basically constituted getting high in the woods all the time and calling it “research.” Your house will always smell like incense or pot mixed with BO and while initially it seems very free spirited, eventually it’s just kinda gross.
Dudes who are obsessed with Catcher in the Rye are the same guys who insist on handwriting their “novel” that they’re working on and probably go by their middle name because it’s something like Preston and their first name is just a generic Josh. They will pace and mope when you’re fighting and never be happy when you accomplish something because frankly, they’re little diaper babies trapped in the body of 20-something hipsters in American Apparel and H&M. Catcher in the Rye guy doesn’t go down on girls because he has “anxiety” and gets “stressed out by that level of expectation” — that’s who we’re dealing with here.
Hemingway guy thinks of himself as a man’s man. He doesn’t drink clear liquor and even if he grew up somewhere like Vermont he wants a gun just for appearance’s sake. He conveniently forgets that Hemingway was wildly psychologically unstable, and completely paranoid. Mention it. Watch the fight that breaks out. Trust me.
LOTR guy is the opposite of Hemingway guy. He will let you walk all over him if you let him and doesn’t know how to tell you when you’re wrong because he’s scared of confrontation. He’s the kind of guy that needs to be handled with care, and reminded that if push came to shove you would definitely give up immortality for him (you wouldn’t).
“uh…I read a lot of magazines…”
This is code for, “I haven’t read anything with a binding or a jacket since high school that wasn’t required reading.” He has also forgotten cursive aside from his chicken scrawl signature, and has to use an app to figure out how to tip properly when he takes you to Applebee’s for your date for the 2 for $20 deal. And he still undertips. Absolutely thinks girls cum the second a guy is inside them. Poor magazine guy, how far the media has mislead you.
Will never stop asking for butt stuff. Never.
If he says his favorite book is Lolita you need to GTFO. You do not want to end up in the Q&A portion of To Catch a Predator one day – there is no coming back from that.
He is lying to you. He probably also thinks Benjamin Button is a true story.
Absolutely peaked in high school and will never stop talking about how he could’ve gone pro if he was just a little taller or a little bigger. It’s fine. Nothing wrong with a little Coach Taylor in the streets, Tim Riggins in the sheets.
“Yeah I don’t really read.”
Lol. Likely also will only text you after 1:15 AM with just a question mark. Mark my words. I’d tell him to mark my words, but then he’d have to read them and I don’t want to hurt his brain that much.
He is perfect and you should marry him. Unless he’s a Hufflepuff because like, you can probably do better. (Kidding.)