Excuse Me While I Delete You From My Life
While I force myself to remember I don't need you. While I force myself to admit I'm stronger now, happier now, better now.
Excuse me while I delete you from my life.
While I resist the urge to double tap on a picture of you smiling that smile that made me weak in the knees. While I hit you with a read receipt but no reply. While I swipe right on someone who looks just like you and wonder how big his hands are and if I’ll feel small or too big next to him. While I delete every message you ever sent me and untag myself from photos where you look happy and I look in love.
Excuse me while I try to forget you ever existed.
While I book flights to California and don’t even tell you I’ll be in your zip code. While I look at neighborhoods like Los Feliz and West Hollywood and Echo Park and plan which street I’ll turn on if I see you walking towards me. While I prepare for a heat I can’t escape and remember that summer when I felt like I was underwater. While I pretend you were never mine and that I don’t still want you sometimes when the nights are sticky and my heart feels restless.
Excuse me while I let you go and become someone else entirely.
While I reinvent myself and dye my hair and create a life that has no room for you. While I spackle the you-sized hole in my heart and seal it away from every being hurt again. While I delete messages and memories and fill myself with new things that have nothing to do with you.
Excuse me while I realize life goes on without you.
While I force myself to remember I don’t need you. While I force myself to admit I’m stronger now, happier now, better now. While I repeat over and over and over again:
“I don’t need you.”
Honestly. Please.
Excuse me while I live without you.
And by excuse me, I really mean let me.
Let me delete your number, not hear from you, and eventually forget all about you. Let me forget your middle name and your favorite food and the way you talk in your sleep at 3 AM. Let me move onwards and upwards and don’t try to pull me back in with your “I miss you” messages and your likes on anything. Let me remain silent and not talking about you even if you wonder if I care because it’s not your business anymore. Let me be. Just let me be.
Let me move on and let me go.
Let me go the only way I know how.
Excuse me while I delete you from my life.
Because, really, it’s the only way I can think of to be okay. 