I am an incredibly pro-summer person. Despite being pale AF (aka: I’m translucent) I am absolutely my best self when I need to track down some SPF 100+, when the temperature in my apartment is nowhere near needing a blanket, and it’s sun’s out thighs out season. I live for summer. Even though the days of summer vacation are long gone and I realized that I still have to work June – September I’m still going to always be a summer kid. They say girls love fall? Those girls are wrong and need to get off of Pinterest. Summer is where it’s at.
But what makes summer really great besides barbecues, bikinis, and BudLight Lime? That, my friend, is the summer fling. Summer flings are (imo) some of the BEST relationships. They’re simple, they’re carefree, they’re fun, and they’re built to last long enough for the bonfire but not long enough to get as messy as cleaning up sand when you come back home post paddle boarding.
Below is a little insight for the men (and women let’s be real two bikini babes are better than one) who feel that they are ready to have an truly Instagramable summer, and maybe some extra sweaty sex with a girl who never remembers to turn on her AC.
Qualifications Must Include:
- A healthy love of water sports.
And no we’re not talking about pee ya sickos. I am planning that much of summer 2k16 is spent paddle boarding, tubing, kayaking, and general galavanting in and around large bodies of water. If you are someone who gets weird about swimming around seaweed or who is going to “just stay inside and watch” you’re not ready for dis jelly. Let’s go get some first degree burns and minor UV damage on our shoulders out on the Sound. That’s what summer’s all about.
- At least one pair of jorts.
Summer 2k16 is officially the summer of jorts. Cutoffs are definitely my preferred jort but I can also get down with a nice cuffed Levi depending on the shirt pairing. To love me is to love my jorts. And if you’re also a fellow jort supporter, I know we’re going to get along.
- No cat lovers need apply.
Must love dogs. Must not love things that make me sneeze and want to scratch my already sunburned arms.
- A valid driver’s license.
I recently got ZipCar and am super stoked about the possibility of renting a Mercedes for the day or a convertible for the night. But I LOATHE driving. So I want someone to take the keys while I dolphin arm it out the window and play DJ with Spotify. That’s romance, ya’ll.
- Ability to either slay at Flip Cup or Beer Pong.
I’m proudly a Flip Cup champ and I don’t want anyone on my team who isn’t able to chug a beer and nail that sucker. But if FC isn’t your jam I can get down with Beer Pong. Summer is the time of year when it’s socially acceptable to still play drinking games like you’re a sophomore in college, even though in your day to day life you’re saving for the downpayment on a home. I want someone by my side who’s down to get competitive and a little tipsy.
- A steady hand for photography.
As previously stated I’m planning for a very Instagramable summer. I’m talking more majestic swan floatie pics, paddle boarding shots, bonfire candids in my overalls and Rainier hat. What’s the mark of a good shot? Quality framing, a steady hand, and ability to get a good one quick and dirty. You take care of the shooting, I’ll take care of the filtering. Deal?
- Plenty of crewnecks for stealing.
Remember how your high school GF used to always steal your hoodies? Yeah I was definitely guilty of that. But these days it’s all about the crewneck pullover. Nothing completes a chill girl look like a graphic crewneck paired with her cutoffs and aviators. Bonus points for aviators I can also swipe.
- Hefty alcohol tolerance.
Look. I’m a drinker. Some people go running, some people read Elizabeth Gilbert and do crafts, some people watch Game of Thrones to unwind. I drink wine and beer and sometimes gin. I can hold my own and I expect the people around me, especially the ones I’m letting sleep over, to do the same. No puking off the side of the boat, kids.
- Great sense of humor.
Even if we’re going to fizzle out like a firecracker come July 5th I still want to laugh with you. Self-awarness and the ability to laugh is a must.
- A T-Swift level squad.
I can always stand to make more friends. And I have a balcony and rooftop to party on so please, bring people. Let’s not be the awkward people who only talk to each other and no one else – that’s no fun.
- A convertible.
ZipCar has some but your own would be better. My hair looks best when windblown.
- A King Sized bed.
I’m currently living the Queen life and I could stand to upgrade for a few months. It’ll make it more comfortable to snooze together when it’s 98 degrees out if we can each comfortably have our own sides – ya feel?
So there you have it. All interested parties can direct their applications with a cover letter and references here. Please note I only accept applications in Document or Powerpoint form. And no, I am not opposed to bribery.