I Still Miss You

Lulu Lovering
Lulu Lovering

There.

I said it.

I am not heartbroken anymore. Really, I’m not. I’m not just a girl saying that to convince everyone staring at her with inquisitive, intrusive eyes. I’m saying it because it’s the truth.

Really. It is.

“I miss you. There, I said it.”

I no longer find you to be a habit.

I do not instinctually think to call you, I don’t have your number memorized anymore (261? Or was it 216?) and when something happens I do not find my right hand reaching for a phone to start typing away to tell you all of the details. You are no longer my emergency contact and honestly, I don’t think I would recognize your voice in a crowd.

But still…

There are days, and there are moments, where all I want to do is look over at you at smirk and roll my eyes. There are days, and there are moments where I know I’m being stupid but you would still laugh at me. There are days, and there are moments, where I feel like you would be the only one to understand me.

I can admit that there are times where I know that even though I may not be able to remember your voice, I still miss your laugh.

And I still really want to hear it.

“I still miss you. There, I said it.”

I’m no longer empty.

I do not feel like I have a gaping hole shaped exactly like your torso in my chest. I do not watch the blood pulsate in my veins and see your lies flowing through me. I do not look for you to finish my sentences or to pick me up at the end of the day. I am not trying to finish anything because I’m complete.

Really.

I am complete on my own. I’m whole.

But even still…

I find my fingers looking for the ink on your shoulders to trace and my hands looking for you to hold at night. I find myself swallowing down your name when I’m on an empty beach and wish I had more company than driftwood. I hold myself back from saying, “He would have loved this” on summer nights.

I may be whole, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t room.

“I still miss you. There, I said it.”

I am not waiting for you anymore.

I do not stay up at night, I am not sitting in my bed while staring at the door just picturing you coming through it. I do not watch the clock keep moving and feel disappointed when you don’t. I do not save a pillow for you, there’s no water on the nightstand going untouched, there is no chair in my apartment with a permanent dibs. There’s nothing for you here.

This is a world that I created without you.

This is not yours, and I’m not waiting for you to claim your space.

I’m not hoping, not wishing, not looking, not praying. And I am most definitely not waiting.

Because I’m older now, wiser now. And I know there’s nothing there for me.

I’ve moved on.

There is no but.

I’m simply not heartbroken over you anymore.

Except…

“I still miss you. There, I said it.”

There is still a longing. I can pretend to ignore it, that it is simply a result of too many glasses of wine and ballads, but it’s there.

And try as I might, I do not, no, cannot, deny it.

Because I think there always will be.

Because I still miss you.

And I think a part of me always will. TC mark

I asked women to be honest about their Instagram photos

“The essays in this book are short and sweet, and incredible. Love love loved this.” — Alex

“I’m so in love with this book! It’s so moving and some of the stories bring me to tears not because it’s sad, but because it’s relatable and shows that we’re not alone.” — Kendra

This is the reality of Instagram...

More From Thought Catalog

  • http://kdpamazon.net/i-still-pass-up-you/ I Still Pass up You – KDP Amazon

    […] Source connection […]

  • https://doveseyeswisdom.wordpress.com/2016/04/23/733/ Delicate Unfoldings

    […] via I Still Miss You — Thought Catalog […]

  • http://howtomakemoney.reviews/i-still-miss-you/ I Still Miss You - how to make money

    […] Source link […]

  • https://brenicojayblog.wordpress.com/2016/04/22/i-still-miss-you/ I Still Miss You – Lifestyle Writing
  • https://freckaels.wordpress.com/2016/04/25/549/ the unbearable lightness of being

    […] I Still Miss You […]

  • https://helloquerencia.wordpress.com/2016/04/23/4565/ Hello Querencia
blog comments powered by Disqus