19 Completely Stupid Things I Can’t Help But Find Personally Offensive

1. Raisins.

Especially in cookies. A raisin cookie is living a lie. Everyone thinks it’s going to be a delicious chocolate chip cookie, and then upon biting into it are greeted with the grossest snack of all time. It’s rude. And humiliating because you can’t spit out a bite of food and keep your dignity after like, the age of 13.

2. 4G vs. LTE

I pay my own phone bill like a respectable, semi-put together lady. I should be able to check Twitter without a delay whenever I damn well please.

3. Cars that play their music loudly enough that I can hear it inside my apartment.

I’m super stoked for you that you’re still not over “Sorry” and feel the need to ~*jAm*~ every time you hear it. I’m just not with you. And I don’t want to hear it when you roll by because you don’t understand what an appropriate decibel level is. Just don’t.

4. Hangnails.

Why does every time one of those little bastards decides to make an appearance all of sudden your arm is going through some sort of Black Swan hell? Yes, I know that hand lotion helps. But sometimes it’s too late and you just walk around bleeding from your cuticle to your goddamn elbow for a week and it’s TERRIBLE.

5. People who do not have semi-professional email handles.

Honey. I know, I know. We all had fun being petewentzluvmeback211 @ yahoo dot com from 2001 to 2005. But we’re adults now. Get an email that you don’t have to mutter under your breath because it’s truly embarrassing. You’ll thank me later.

6. Bicyclists.

“When you’re a pedestrian you hate cars, when you’re driving you hate pedestrians. But no matter where we are, we will all always hate someone on a bike.” — Ghandi

7. Uber surge pricing.

Look man. We’re all just trying to turn hard work into happy hour, and get home without dying. I’m already wasting my money by having David pick me up in his black Prius, you don’t have to make it worse for all of us.

8. Shower handles that are not clear about how to make the shower work.

Nothing makes me feel like more of a fool than getting into an unfamiliar shower and not being able to ~*ahem*~ make it rain. JUST LABEL IT ON AND OFF. WHY IS THAT SO HARD?!?!

9. When Siri won’t just answer the fucking question.

Siri, you and your iPhone house cost me over $700. Just answer the question and stop Googling things.

10. Lukewarm coffee.

If I order a non-iced coffee I expect that sucker is handed to me at a balmy 115 degrees. If it feels like a pool that needs skimming because it’s been neglected all Spring I’m just going to be grossed out.

11. Cash bars at weddings.

No. NO. I’m at your wedding, I’m not sleeping during your vows, I’m wearing heels and washed my hair, AND I bought you a gift. The least you can do is facilitate my buzz. If you cannot grant me this common courtesy you will find me not on the dance floor making the Cupid Shuffle my bitch, but in the kitchen with your catering staff getting lit. Sorry not sorry.

12. People who use the Apple Genius Bar like a library.

Get in and get out, folks. It makes everyone happier. Especially Kevin the Apple Guy, who is tired of explaining that no, you didn’t get Apple Care + so yes, you’re screwed.

13. Night zits.

Yes, I realize I should have taken my makeup off more thoroughly. But why?! Why you gotta be so rude?! Don’t you know I’m…in my 20s and shouldn’t have to deal with both taxes AND acne. *sIgH*

14. Round-a-bouts.

No one knows what to do, everyone ends up honking, and it’s just a mess. Stoplights 4ever.

15. Overly taught towel dispensers.

I just want to dry my hands, not end up with little bits of damp paper towel stuck to my palms. STOP RIPPING YOU’RE MAKING ME QUESTION HOW I GOT A COLLEGE DEGREE.

16. Facebook invites.

Look. Imma level with you. No one wants to come watch your band play Green Day covers in the basement of a VFW. No one.

17. People who do not teach their children how to behave around animals.

You are asking for your child to get bitten by a dog and it’s making everyone nervous.

18. Non-direct flights.

No one LIKES air travel, okay? We all hate being crammed into a tiny tin can filled with farts, recycled air, and $7 bottles of Barefoot. But we do it because it’s a hazard of needing to get from point A to point B. But getting to point B shouldn’t have to take a detour to points A.1, A.2, and A.3 simply because Delta couldn’t get their shit together enough to make a direct flight. UGH. This is why we can’t have nice things.

19. FitTea.

We all know it just makes you poop a lot. Stop lying to everyone.