1. Spending more because I make more.
After years of floating back and forth with what I wanted to do and being in various careers all with various zeros (or lack of) at the end of a number, I’m all about fairness and respect with someone’s income. That being said, if I happen to be in a different tax bracket than my partner I will never again feel obligated to always treat or pick up the check, simply because I happen to make more money. Spending money on someone you care about or saying, “I’ve got this,” should happen because you want to spend that money, because you want to get this one. It should never feel like an expectation or an obligation. And for me? It never will be ever again.
2. Never fighting and only having “discussions”.
I’ll admit it — I have a temper. It doesn’t happen very often but sometimes, you just want to fight. You want, no, NEED to be emotional and slightly irrational and just let out all of the feelings you have to put away most of the time. I’ve had partners who would literally leave the apartment if anything escalated beyond a 4 on the emotionally volatile scale. While I agree that having discussions and being pragmatic about disagreements is 9 times out of 10 more effective that just going for it and throwing down, sometimes I need to just be a ball of rage for 15 minutes. And if you love me, you’ll understand that. And you won’t run away from it.
3. Feeling like I need to put my passions on the back burner.
I’m a workaholic who loves to talk about the internet, typeface, social media, and says the words “viral”, “content”, and “chartbeat” in everyday conversation. I love my job; I’m passionate about my work. That is something that should be attractive and exciting to someone who is interested in me. If someone makes me feel boring or like I need to be less involved or, even worse, tone down my passion for something that gives me life? Bye. Just bye.
I hereby solemnly swear that I will never again fake it, moan out of obligation, or pretend like I’m enjoying something that I’m not. And if that makes someone insecure, we have bigger problems to deal with.
5. Not writing about something that inspires me.
With respect to someone’s privacy and stories that aren’t meant to be told, I will never again suppress or cover up something I want to write simply because the words might be hard to swallow. I am allowed to tell my own story. I am allowed to say what I need to say to feel lighter. And I do not own anyone an apology for that.
6. Being jealous and not acknowledging it.
Jealousy is a valid feeling. It’s not necessarily logical or always warranted based on the information that you have, but that doesn’t make it invalid. If I’m feeling jealous or insecure or frankly ANYTHING, I should be able to share it with the person who I’m dating. I should be able to express and talk about my emotions without being judged or called crazy.
7. Apologizing for or not celebrating my successes.
I once had a boyfriend who would get visibly (and admittedly) uncomfortable when he felt like I was more successful or moving further along in life than him. Rather than talk about it or figure out the deeper root of what was going on, he just wanted to sweep it under the rug. And not just as in he wouldn’t acknowledge it, neither of us were supposed to. Never. Again. If I’m excited about something, if I accomplish something, I’m going to celebrate. I’m going to toast myself and if you can’t toast with me, no champagne for you.
8. Being either monogamous or open when I wanted the opposite.
Both people deserve to be honest about what they want and need from a relationship and a partner. No one should (or can) be expected to give more than they are able to give. All compromising on this will lead to is more problems down the road. Trust me.
9. Shelving friends because of their own jealousy.
As previously stated I expect to be able to say, “I’m feeling jealous today,” and they absolutely should be able to do the same. But a twinge of jealousy shouldn’t be a reason that I’m expected to dissolve another relationship. That’s unfair and will only lead to resentment which, as we all know, never ends well.
10. Having someone make me feel not cool/smart/worldly/talented.
I’m awesome. I deserve to feel like I’m absolutely fantastic. If someone makes me feel less-than-anything the only not awesome person in the equation, is them.
11. Always doing the fucking dishes.
If you can’t wash a plate, go eat in the yard.