15 Hilariously Honest Oscars You Actually Have A Fighting Chance At Winning
1. Most Likely To Tweet About Hating Mondays Every Damn Monday Morning
Omg so you’re like everybody else? Cool.
2. Best Visual Effects (aka: I Defs Did NOT Wake Up Like lol TRICKED YA)
Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it took 40 minutes and $350 worth of products.
3. Most Overly Dramatic Retelling Of A Bad Date
Okay so maybe he was only 5 minutes late and it wasn’t a half hour…but it SOUNDS better when you tell it that way!
4. Should Have Bought Extended Apple Care But Didn’t Because You’re Too Effing Cheap
And now you’re paying for it heftily and waiting in the death trap/11th circle of Hell that is known as the Apple Genius Bar.
5. Most Likely To Say You’re Going To Bed And Then Stay Up Staring At Your Phone For 2 Hours
And you WONDER why your Monday morning/every morning sucks so much…
6. Best Actor/Actress…As In You’ve Gotten Really Good At Faking That You’re Over Your Ex
*An Adele playlist plays softly in the background while you blink rapidly trying not to cry *
7. Talks Extensively About Going On A Diet But Can And WILL Devour A Bag Of Smartfood White Cheddar Popcorn In One Sitting
But like…popcorn is a superfood…right? (Plz say right.)
8. Most Uninformed On Current Events So You Have To Sneakily Google Things When People Talk About Them At Happy Hour
“No I TOTALLY know what’s going on in Greece like…I CARE A LOT.” *runs off the bathroom to cram as much info about the economic state overseas as you can in 3.5 minutes*
9. Definitely Facebook Stalks Co-Workers More Than Is Socially Appropriate
It’s normal to find out what Bailey wore to her prom and watch embarrassing videos of her high school show choir. PEOPLE ARE CURIOUS OKAY?!
10. Best Supporting Actor/Actress aka: Pretending You Don’t Hate Playing Wingman To Your Hot BFF
“Yep, she’s totally single. Yep, here’s her number. Yep, I’ll give the toast at your wedding.”
11. Best Costume Design aka: Lol I Never Dress This Nicely I’m Just Trying To Get Laid
bahahhahahahahahaha you think I ALWAYS put on a real bra and squeeze myself into a bandage skirt on a Thursday night?! lolz honey nope. N O P E.
12. Most Likely To Be Openly Annoyed At The Tourists Who Don’t Know Where They’re Going
I don’t care that you’re excited about taking a photo in front of that landmark. GTFO of my way so I can get more coffee and get away from you.
13. 100% Guilty Of Walking By Every Homeless Person You See Without Even CONSIDERING Giving Them A Dollar
I never carry cash OKAY?! Stop. Judging. Me.
14. Best Original Work…On The Paper That You Busted Out Three Hours Before It Was Due
These aren’t bags under my eyes from procrastination. This is just my face.
15. Best Pretend Oscar Speech Given To A Bathroom Mirror While Holding A Bottle Of Shampoo
“You like me! You really like me!”
Please. Your speech would be way more moving. Should the day ever come your speech will come out as rehearsed as Leo’s. HEYO. 