Happy #NationalDrinkWineDay. Or as I like to call it, every day that I damn well feel like having some vino. Cheers.
1. Wine doesn’t come at you with patronizing or judgmental statements about your life
“Are you really going to eat that?”
“Do you know how many calories are in that?”
“Shouldn’t you drink more water?”
I don’t know but you should drink a big glass of mind your own business. Instead of nagging you about the gym or finally putting all of the laundry that’s been collecting on the end of your bed away, wine is just there to focus on YOU. It’s not going to make you feel bad, it’s just going to make you feel buzzed. Thank you, wine. Tysm.
2. Unlike people, wine is never going to resist changing.
You’re kind of over rosé and are feeling something a little darker? Great, that’s what merlot is for. You’re wearing white but don’t want to risk the potential cab sav on the white dress situation? No problem, that’s why there’s pinot grigio. They say you can’t change a man, but you can absolutely change your wine.
3. Relationships stress you the fuck out, wine does the exact opposite.
Between the fighting, the nit-picking, the juggling of each other’s schedules, and just the general stresses that come with being committed to another human being, relationships have the tendency to make you a bundle of nerves. Wine? Wine will never stress you out. It’s good for your heart, it gets you to calm down, it’s really there for you and only you. Aka: the best partner EVER.
4. Wine means never having to say you’re sorry.
You know when you have to apologize for something you said or just because someone’s feeling ~*sEnSiTiVe*~ even though you aren’t REALLY sorry? Well wine doesn’t need that bullshit. Wine doesn’t need you to make it feel better. Because it’s wine.
5. Wine is always able to adapt to and compliment your feelings.
Feel like celebrating your promotion? Oh HELLO FROM THE OUTSIDE champagne. Feel like reading too much Andrea Gibson and crying? Cue your good pal pinot noir coming on in with a decanter and a box of Kleenex. Out on a boat and just need to chill? Enter white wine and ice cubes so you can get your tipsy on while also being fresh AF. It’s more flexible and willing to shift than any human ever will be, that’s just a fact.
6. Relationships take constant effort, wine only takes as much effort as you’re willing to expend.
Twist off tops, my love. Twist. off. tops.
7. You never have to look for ways to spice things up with wine.
There’s no such thing as getting stuck in a rut with your favorite wine. That’s just called finding something you love, you know doesn’t make you sick, and you know you can rely on. It’s never going to ask you for a threeway or if you’d be willing to go to a sex club, it’s just going to be there. And that’s a beautiful thing.
8. Even when you fight, you still ALWAYS find your way back to each other.
Let’s face it, even the best relationships still have some tiffs. Sometimes after a night with your wine you’ll wake up with a hangover from hell. It’s not great. But after the headache and nausea subsides, wine will still be there when you’re ready to come back. And it won’t hold it against you if you threw up in the Uber ride home.
9. Wine doesn’t care if you see other people.
Remember all of those adaptable friends I mentioned? A boyfriend or girlfriend is not going to be SUPER thrilled if you hang out with them when you’re watching Netflix, but go to your work parties with someone else. That’s probably going to end with a fight and then a breakup. But wine is totally chill with you changing it up. In fact, it ENCOURAGES it. That’s why the wine aisle in the grocery store is a happy, happy place where all of the kinds can live harmoniously.
10. Wine will NEVER call you irrational or crazy.
It just wants to be there for you when you’re ~*feeling feelings*~ and let you work those feelz out however you need. And it’s not going to subtweet you about any drama either.
11. You know who doesn’t give a SHIT what you look like? (Hint: it’s wine.)
You can be dressed to the nines and look your absolute best or you can be in your 13-year-old sweats from junior high and a t-shirt that’s covered in bleach stains. It literally doesn’t matter. There’s no dress code for wine and it’s not going to ask you to put on something nicer just because you’re popping a bottle.
12. Wine plays well with others.
Have you heard of a little treat called Sangria? Or what about prosecco and elderflower liqueur? While I wouldn’t recommend making a cocktail from merlot and chardonnay, there are plenty of mixes involving your main squeeze vino that are just as tasty. And you never have to worry about wine getting along with your other friends.
13. It’s not opposed to you growing up.
Remember what ALSO gets better with age? Oh YEAH. It’s wine.
14. Wine will never roll over in the middle of the night and tell you that it doesn’t love you.
I love you wine. Never change.