1. Spending at least 2/3rds of your shower debating about the temperature.
Why is it that every shower has basically two temperatures? It’s either so cold you feel like Kate Winselet struggling to balance on that floating door, OR it’s the fiery depths of Mordor. So you spend 12 minutes of a 20 minute shower going back and forth, back and forth, Goldilocks-ing it until you find the sweet spot. And then once you find the sweet spot you probably have a small window before it’s going to say, “LOLZ yeah right” and change on you AGAIN. UGH.
2. Feeling a zit coming but being powerless to stop it.
There’s truly nothing worse than knowing there is a crater underneath your chin about to erupt and all you can do is wait. So you sit there, with Proactiv or something on it every night, hoping you can beat the inevitable. But you can’t. You know you can’t. Because you get zits your whole. damn. life.
3. Not being able to tell if your hair stinks or not.
“Does my hair smell like nothing or does it smell like I haven’t washed it all week? Will dry shampoo take care of it? Why has no beauty vlogger tackled this debacle?”
4. Sitting and wondering whether you’ve peed yourself a little, or just gotten your period.
Really either way it’s a lose lose.
5. The oh-so-trecherous nose pads on sunglasses.
You thought you were being so damn cool, pushing your aviators up to the top of your head like you were Maverick in Top Gun. But now you want to toss those puppies in your purse and you know what’s happened? The little asshole nose pads are hugging the roots of your hair and never letting go. You can’t rip at them, oh no. Because then you run the risk of ripping out your hair and having two weird horn stubs at the top of your head. So you spend the next 15 minutes coaxing and untangling and crossing your fingers you don’t end up patchy.
6. That panic when you aren’t sure if your nails are quite dry.
Can’t text, can’t select “Yes, I’m still watching” on Netflix, can’t get that hair out of your eye so you’re just STUCK there. No one is more vulnerable than a girl with wet nails. If you wanted to off the hot girl even faster in a horror movie, have the killer find her right as she’s waiting for her top coat to dry. She’d just have to shrug and say, “I guess you’re gonna have to kill me because I’m currently committed to walking around with perfectly flexed hands for the next half hour. At least I’ll go down with great nails.”
7. Stretch mark or nap mark?
“Do I need to go to the gym more often (probably) or did I just fall asleep on my iPhone charger again? Can you get stretch marks on your neck? Is that a thing?”
8. Finding a freak hair and being convinced you are part she-wolf.
WHAT THE HELL!? Whatever God decided it was acceptable for people to get weird little darker-than-the-other hairs on the backs of your shoulders is a SADIST. You pluck it out every four weeks, only to find the little jerk waving around the next month saying, “Hi! You will NEVER be Gigi Hadid.” Can you sign up for laser hair removal for just three random hairs in bizarre locations? Asking for a friend.
9. And on the other hand, watching how much hair comes out when you brush your hair and being convinced you are going bald.
There’s NO way a human being can lose this much hair every morning and NOT have a problem. Seriously the amount of hair that you shed every day is insane. We clog shower drains, have hair balls the size of a small dog in our brushes, not to mention the constant hair on pillow cases and sweatshirts. The struggle is real.
10. Getting physically assaulted by your bra.
“Am I being mugged? Nope just got stabbed in the side by an underwire again. NBD!”
11. Having to pretend you don’t hear being catcalled through your earbuds.
It’s really rude when you’re just trying to listen to “Hello” for the umpteenth time and pretend like you are also dramatically walking in the wind whilst carrying a flip phone, only to hear someone yelling about making an honest woman out of you over the sounds of Adele.
PSA for everyone (ESPECIALLY catcallers): Headphones/earbuds are the universal sign for “Do. Talk. Not. To. Me.” The only exception is if you happen to be Ruby Rose or Ryan Reynolds. Everyone else can shut it.
12. Missing a section near your ankle when shaving your legs.
You’re rolling around in your sheets, marveling at how smooth your legs are, pretending you’re the star of a Veet commercial…only to find there’s a patch of hair down by your foot or on the back of your knee that feels long enough to braid. You are not a Veet commercial, you are secretly a hairy beast and you’re just hoping no one finds out.
13. Not being able to fall asleep because your boobs are in the way.
Can’t sleep on your back because they’ll smack you in the chin. Can’t sleep on your side because one feels smooshed and the other doesn’t know where to go. Can’t sleep on your stomach because you’re secretly worried that will flatten them. It’d be really chill if your boobs could calm the hell down at night but no, it’s just your cross to bear.
14. Stalking the ever living crap out of people online and then running into them IRL.
Sorry MTV’s Catfish, every girl could take your job and do it better. But then there would be no use for a whole hour of “I don’t know what to do!!!” because in two seconds she’d be all, “Nah he he doesn’t live in Chicago. This dude is in Missouri and has two kids. Here are his prom pictures.”
The problem with being SO great at internet stalking is learning EVERYTHING about a person’s life before you’ve actually shaken their hand. And then when you DO come face to face with object of your random Thursday night stalking obsession, you can’t decide whether or not to play it cool or ask them how they enjoyed their fly-fishing trip last summer. (Friendly advice: Don’t ask them about their fly-fishing trip. You’ll just look crazy.)