Let’s face it. Not all love ends in a wedding sequence featuring a laser light show and Wilson Phillips. Unfortunately more often than not, your relationship will end with a very awkward conversation that was prefaced by, “We need to talk,” and ended with another cliché. While break ups are anything but fun, they’re a reality.
That being said, too often when recounting the details of said separation to our friends, we’re way too quick to place the blame on our now ex. We say, “It’s not you, it’s me,” when what we mean is, “It’s ABSOLUTELY you.”
Well guess what? Sometimes you are the bad guy. Sometimes it really is NOT them; it’s you. And even though that may be a tough pill to swallow, that doesn’t make it untrue.
1. You find yourself blatantly ignoring them.
It’s one thing if you’re in the middle of finishing something and you take an extra 20 to 30 to say, “Yeah! Dinner sounds great!” That’s one thing. But if you’re rolling your eyes and tossing your phone to the side every time they even give you a ‘hi’? There’s a problem. Just a thought but you should probably WANT to talk to your S/O…but maybe I’m old fashioned.
2. You get a lot of perks, but don’t have any to give.
These could be presents, or favors, or orgasms: the sky’s the limit! But if you find yourself constantly benefiting but having nothing to give (or nothing you WANT to give) in return, you’re probably the problem.
3. You’re constantly looking for a better option.
Your boyfriend or girlfriend is not the appetizer you ordered just to keep yourself busy before the main course got to your table. They are a person. You don’t get to sample them while also perusing. If you’re looking for options, LIKE looking for options, and can’t give that up; you need to date openly or date casually. And you also obviously have to cut that BF or GF loose.
4. You talk to them like a toddler.
I don’t mean the baby talk thing that so many couples do, despite how annoying that is. I mean when you’re constantly talking down to them like they’re a child.
“You shouldn’t have a beer because you’ll get handsy.”
“You need to plan better; you’re really irresponsible.”
“Why don’t you have a five year plan? What are you going to do with your life?”
You’re both adults. Stop asking if you should cut their meat into bite-sized pieces for them. If you can’t handle letting them make their own decisions get a sperm donor, not a boyfriend.
5. Your crushes aren’t just fantasy; you’d act on them.
It’s one thing if you’re adamant that if Chrissy Teigen left John Legend you’d absolutely show her how to be EXTRA-ordinary people (heyyyyooo). But it’s a whole other thing if your crush is your neighbor who you’re constantly having American Horror Story nights with, and who you frequently hope decides to drink too much wine and suggest that ya’ll ‘Netflix and Chill’. If there’s even the possibility that you wouldn’t stop your crush if things escalated, you have a problem. And the problem is you.
6. You actively shit talk them.
First and foremost, this also makes you a grade A dick. But also…why are you with them if you only have negative things to say? If you’re only complaining, only bringing up their cons, only whining when their name comes up, you should probably move on. And by probably I mean absolutely. Everyone is sick of your negativity and…oh yeah! You’re. A. Dick.
7. You cry to get what you want.
If your only emotions come because you want something, what you should being wanting is some (evidently) much needed alone time. Or the bed to yourself. Or to not ask for anything for a while because Jeeze LOUISE you’re the worst and clearly do not deserve nice things.
8. You only “like” them when it’s just the two of you.
The dumbest thing I ever hear from people who avoid breaking up is, “Well we have fun when it’s just us.” Soooo is your entire existence as a couple going to be a twisted version of Grey Gardens? Oh sounds great!
Sure, liking someone when it’s just you two is obviously crucial. But if you claim to only have fun or enjoy your S/O when there’s no one else around, I’m sorry but…I don’t believe you. You just don’t like them and are too much of a coward to say so.
9. You blatantly flirt with other people.
Again. You’re. An. Asshole.
Okay so yes, to a certain extent we all flirt outside of our relationships. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about leading other people on, sexting, trying to get free drinks, and looking for the benefits of attention from people who are not the person you are in a relationship with while being in said relationship. If you actively seek those things out and encourage them when you’re supposedly monogamous? There’s no beating around the bush; you just suck.
10. You don’t include them in your goals.
If you’re planning life altering things without your significant other…why are you hanging onto them? Let them go. Go do your thing! But stop leading people on; it’s just not cool.
11. You’ve said, “I think I understand cheating.”
See all of the above asshole commentary.
12. You don’t invite them to meet your friends.
The only possible outcome of this recipe is hurt friends, and a confused girlfriend or boyfriend. You’re just going to piss people off. And for what? Really, I’m asking…I don’t have a witty retort I genuinely would like to know why and what you think you’re going to gain. *waits*
13. You admit that you’re not happy; you’re comfortable.
Comfort is great. For mattresses, socks, sweatpants, and couches. And OBVIOUSLY you should be happy — no one is disputing that. But in relationships you need both happiness and comfort. If you don’t have both, you’ll be breaking up eventually. Whether you admit it or not.
14. You project unrealistic expectations and then are upset when they don’t happen.
It’s completely unfair and honestly, INSANE, of you to come up with internal monologues and scenarios to narrate your relationship and then be pissed off when they don’t play out exactly how you imagined. You’re making a mockery over both the relationship you have, and the things you want. You’re basically intentionally setting yourself up for disappointment and really, no one feels bad for you. They just don’t know how to tell you that when you start gushing about how, “He wasn’t how I thought he’d be!!” at brunch.
15. You play games.
Saying, “I’m just playing the game,” is the passive aggressive way of saying, “I’m manipulative.” And you need to stop.
16. You say that you want to break up.
So do yourself a favor, and just break up.