1. Drip Coffee With Room.
You’re looking to get your caffeine fix and get out. And trust me, we all get it. We all understand that you have a level of superiority on your minimalist coffee order since you can’t even be bothered to humor the barista in the green apron by calling it a grande instead of a medium. Or you’re a dad and that section of your brain is reserved for trying to phonetically pronounce the words on a menu at a Mexican restaurant in which case, we forgive you.
2. Skinny Vanilla Latte, No Foam.
Did you crack a window for the kids you left in your Acura? Yeah I’m sure getting 2% would really make an irreversible dent in your daily caloric intake and it would send your “My Fitness Pal” app into a TAILSPIN. You are the type of human who brags all about how well your master cleanse went while you make the rest of us feel bad bout our sweet potato fries even though you’re super jealous of them.
3. Grande Carmel Macchiato.
You don’t actually know what a macchiato is. You’ve definitely gone to a mom and pop’ coffee shop and been rudely surprised when you got essentially a shot of espresso, am I right? I’m right. You get the big gulps from gas stations and always have beef jerky in your glove compartment. You are probably licking the residual caramel drizzle off of the dome top while reading this; watch your tongue.
4. Venti Water.
You are either a dad who’s recovering from his run and just need a hot second before ordering his actual coffee or you’re one of the little punks doing sick skate tricks in the parking lot but you don’t have an actual money. If you’re the former: good for you! Can’t wait for you to get that drip coffee because you got your heart rate up today; you’ve earned it. If you’re the latter: go back to the Best Buy parking lot and leave these baristas alone!
5. Iced Coffee, Unsweetened.
You’re definitely listening to a podcast in your ear buds and texting your friend about how much it annoys you when people wait at the bar for their drink. You think you’re too hipster to be at Starbucks and you’re probably right. You have very strong feelings about Serial and definitely still have hopes that you’ll meet your soul mate in a coffee shop while you’re both reading Dorian Grey: (500) Days of Summer style.
6. Thin Mint Frapp. You know, from the ~*sEcReT*~ menu.
You need to stop following all of those parody accounts on Twitter or you are never going to go to college. Seriously. Stop it.
7. Black and White Mocha.
You probably have really good hair that is currently held back by a Lululemon headband and this is your Happy Hump Day treat. One of your roommates was a barista for the summer once and taught you all about these bad boys. You went a little nuts for them and ended up putting on 5 pounds from having one every day. One the fluff was lost and you regained your self-control (aka: your 24 Hour Fitness membership) you use them as motivation to go to spin class three times a week.
8. “I’m a gold card member!”
I don’t care what your order is but if this sentence ever comes out of your mouth you deserve to be hit in the face. Starbucks has an app that basically makes it literally impossible for you to not be a gold card member – everyone is a member. If this comes out of your mouth you definitely have the Kate Gosselin-“I’d like to speak to your manager” haircut you are absolutely wearing those Sketchers that said you’d get a butt workout just by walking in them. Now order your drink before we all kill you.
9. Passion Tea Lemonade.
You either work for FedEx and you’re cooling off in between stops on your route or you’re in a sorority. For clarity sake we’ll say you’re in DG: hey sister. You really enjoy Instagraming these because their color really pops in Ludwig and it’s a better resolution for being able to see where the barista wrote your name for that ‘Gram. #blessed