10 Real And Honest Relationship Goals

I have a confession to make. I haven’t been in a real relationship that couldn’t be classically defined as “it’s complicated” in a really long time. It’s been long enough that my family members are starting to just assume that I’m going to be the weird single one and they give me the “poor you” eyes at reunions and events. It’s really fun. But I’ve noticed this trend with the hip teens and youth of Twitter and Tumblr of tagging things with #relationshipgoals. Usually they’re overly romantic prom-posals or even worse they’re pathetically normal behavior like nudging each other on the couch that are coming from nostalgic, heart-sick places but regardless it got the wheels turning. These are the things I would consider to be my goals for my next relationship. All of the fellas in line waiting for a swing – take note.
Parks and Recreation
Parks and Recreation

1. Someone who doesn’t play the communication game.

If you like someone you talk to them. None of this “well she texted me first so I’m going to put her in purgatory for a couple days” bullshit. We are all too well-versed in the different ways to get in contact with someone and too connected all of the time to fall for the “I was just really busy” line anymore. Along the same lines, don’t be afraid of talking on the phone. We used to do it all the time with our clear, plastic landlines from Claires and we can do it with our overly expensive smartphones now.

2. Someone who offers to walk my dog.

You can’t be pissed that we’re going to be running late because I had to finish getting ready and you didn’t offer to let the dog out. That adds an extra ten to fifteen on to the leaving time, dude! Plus it’s just polite. Nine times out of ten if we aren’t in a hurry I will say no and handle it myself but people who just sit there and stare at some rerun of Watch What Happens Lives while a dog is obviously whining to go outside? Rude.

3. Someone who remembers to blow out the candles at night.

As a frequent offender of “blowing $70 on candles at Anthropologie” and also someone who tends to fall asleep during movies, I am one single-girls-nightmare away of accidentally lighting the house on fire. Until I get a boyfriend who is there to be responsible with the open flames all I have to say is: thank god for Renter’s Insurance.

4. Someone who isn’t intimidated by the amount of “me time” I need.

Look. I’m an only child who lives alone and works from home. I’m used to being alone and I need it. When people are around too much and in my space too often I start to feel claustrophobic and it makes me incredibly irritable and anxious. Think of me as Princess Leia (hey girl hey) and people who are around too often as the walls of the trash compactor. No one wants me to get crushed! It’s not personal; I just need a couple of days every now and then to just be 100% alone.

5. Someone who isn’t grossed out by feet.

A.) I just don’t get it and think it’s stupid.
B.) I’m a runner and every now and then you’re going to have to look at something because it hurts. Plus if you give a good foot massage I’m YOURS.

6. Someone who can hang with my three best-friends.

After failing at the whole “don’t ditch your friends for a new relationship” a number of times and losing some tried and true friends in the process I will not make that mistake again. This means if ya’ll don’t get along there’s going to be a problem. I’m not saying every activity is going to be a group activity but I’m saying if you can’t hang at a brunch while I talk to my girls about their lives without being bored or naggy this probably isn’t going to work.

7. Someone who knows how to make a drink.

There’s something inherently sexy to me about a guy who knows how to make a cocktail. And by make a cocktail I mean muddle limes for a G&T, craft a great bloody in the morning, or actually master the Moscow Mule. Not a dude who just dumps some off-brand coke over Jack Daniel’s and calls it a drink.

8. Someone who doesn’t push the sports thing.

I’m never going to be the girl in a jersey shouting player’s names at the top of her lungs and understanding what a “Quarterback Sneak” is. I’m happy to go, drink over-priced beer, eat garlic fries, and dink around on my phone when I’m not chatting with people. But I’m never going to be super into it and that needs to be okay and not a sore subject. I don’t expect a dude to be super excited about going to an Ingrid Michaelson concert. Having different interests is CHILL YO.

(But on the flip…)

9. Someone who asks questions about things I’m passionate about.

You don’t have to be a vegetarian, or obsessed with orcas, or really fascinated by who murdered Elizabeth Short aka: The Black Dahlia. But ask questions. Humor me. Intelligent conversations are such a turn on. I promise to genuinely ask what a shortstop does or who Jordan Spieth is if you watch Going Clear with me. Give and take yo, give and take.

10. Someone who never says, in any variation, “Are you writing about me?”

Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. But it’s incredibly patronizing, trivializing and there’s no way to say it without sounding at least a little judgmental. And at the core: best way to find out is to read. TC mark

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