1. Wear your clothes when you aren’t around.
You left a hoodie or a bro tank at our place without thinking? Oh we are absolutely lounging in that bad boy and smelling the collar like it is our job. That little mix of skin and cologne just makes our stomachs flip. We get all giggle-city about it, and basically start comparing you to every quintessential “hot dude” on TBS. Our closest girlfriends know about this; but until we completely lose our chill, it’s like our dirty little drug problem that we never let see the light of day.
2. Stalk the ever living shit out of you on social media.
Haven’t heard from you in a couple days? While we’re kind of offended, we’re also not worried because we saw where you Instagrammed your beer, how one of your buddies posted a photo of the two of you at a soccer game, and that you tweeted about being excited about a concert. We already know where you went to high-school, what after school activities you were involved in, how often you hang out with your family, and what all of your weird “interests” are. We pocket all of this info until we can make use of it in the web we spin to make you fall in love with us.
3. Agree to activities we aren’t into but that we know you’ll be amped for.
“Oh my god dude, I would so LOVE to go to an underground nightclub to see that obscure EDM artist that I OF COURSE am also obsessed with. Oh a group of us are going? Awesome!!!! No I’m not intimidated by your female best friend with lips like Kylie Jenner and legs like Gisele. NOT AT ALL. Can’t wait to mosh with her!!” People mosh at EDM, right? No? Ok well I’ll improvise. It’ll be fine.
4. Surprise you with gestures that we pretend are spontaneous but are totally calculated.
We work in the same vicinity and I just “happened” to shoot you a super casual text asking if you want coffee? Yeah that wasn’t super casual. That was absolutely thought out to the very last detail. I was camped outside of Starbucks, hidden behind my laptop and giant sunglasses, waiting to confirm that you were, in fact, arriving at work without a latte, and thus in prime position to be swept up by your female white knight with caffeine (me).
5. Analyze every word you say to us, no matter how miniscule.
Hello, hi, and hey all have entirely different connotations behind them FYI. “Hey you” is especially suggestive. Add an emoji? Done for. Even if you’re just looking at us from across a bar, we are still looking for a hidden meaning in there somewhere. You could just say “How are you?” and we’d still pick apart every possible thing that you could be trying to say with those three little words because in our brains there is just NO WAY that you could simply be asking how we are. And for the love of God, never just respond with “K.” Not unless you want us to lose our damn minds.
6. Check our phones obsessively to see if you’ve made contact.
Doesn’t matter that we have the volume all the way up and saw that we had no new notifications three minutes ago. We’re refreshing our phones so much we’re risking making a dent in the glass from all of the swiping and clicking. It’s sad, but we all do it.
7. Work you into conversations that have nothing to do with you.
Doesn’t matter that everyone at brunch is talking about football and you played lacrosse in high school. We are bringing you up because even just saying your name makes us giddy like the idiots we are. We can find a way to make you relevant no matter what the topic. We’ll even lie about something you said just to bring you up. It’s sad. Very, very sad.
8. Get dressed to the nines to do mundane things because there’s a CHANCE we might see you.
We live close to each other and I’m just popping over to Trader Joe’s for cookie butter, but maybe you’re getting eggs there too? Therefore I’ll curl my hair, shave my legs, and wear that tank top that makes my boobs look JUST RIGHT. And then when you aren’t there, it’s going to feel like a total waste and I’m going to eat the whole thing of cookie butter and then feel in desperate need of a run. But wait — there’s the slight chance that I’ll bump into you while running, which means I can’t leave without makeup! It’s a vicious cycle.
9. Calculate our texting schedule.
“Okay so I can’t text him for two days because otherwise I’ll seem desperate. But if I text him past 10 PM, he’ll either think I’m just booty-calling him or wasted. Maybe I’ll just make a few drafts so that I have options. And really I should wait for him to come to me because I texted first the last two times and I don’t want him to think I’m crazy. Has he looked at my Snapchat yet? It’s been thirty seconds since I sent it; I better check.”