I Won’t Apologize For My Anxiety Anymore

I don’t know how to handle my anxiety in a relationship and I don’t know how another person sees me when I’m feeling the way I do.

All I know is that I won’t apologize for my anxiety anymore. 

I’ve had my fair share of panic attacks in general but especially when it comes to relationships. If I’m dating someone, I’ll suddenly get a feeling–an unexplainable, unavoidable, very random and very bad feeling.

Did I do or say something wrong?

Is he hiding something?

Usually I’m right about the gut feeling and other times I’m just anxious. 

When guys say something to me, I overthink it for the next week. When we hangout, I get nervous that maybe they’re just spending time with me because they feel sorry for me or because they just want to hookup and then move on to the next person.

More often than not, a guy I’m seeing will post something on social media–maybe a photo of him with another girl–and I’ll feel my throat tighten, my stomach churn, and the bad feeling consume me from head to toe.

It’s terrible how often I’m mistreated in relationships, but what’s worse is that I still blame myself and my anxiety for it. 

I recently got involved with a guy who seemed all too perfect. We weren’t in a relationship–ya know, with the label–but we were exclusive, we were together, and we were doing relationship things. So when he posted a photo of him and another girl (she was sitting on his lap and he had his hand on her thigh…like ok, cool), I was crushed.

When I confronted him about it, I felt the need to apologize for bringing it up. In my mind, I thought that I looked crazy and that he’d leave (or ghost) me because of it.

I apologized for feeling anxious, but after I did, I felt angry. Really? Why am I sorry? 

So I told him, “You know what? I’m not sorry about this. You posted this photo almost as if you didn’t think I’d see it, but I did, and it hurt me. This made me feel weird and anxious and sad. Those feelings are valid.”

I was sad for a few days and I found myself getting over it quicker than I expected. Partially because heartache was something I was used to and partially because I knew I deserved a better person who respected me and understood my anxiety.

I know that anxiety will be something I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life, and that’s okay. I know that the relationships I have with people will continue to be tough because of my anxiety, but for it to work, he needs to be communicative, reassuring, respectful and understanding.

Every day I remind myself that my anxiety is very serious and very real. My mental health is not something I have to apologize for.