A Short List Of Things I’d Rather Not Tell You

We don’t always get the opportunity to say our final piece, or attain the closure we sometimes long for. But even if we do get that chance, there are still words left unsaid, no matter the situation faced or who is being left behind. For me, it is simple: when it comes to certain people, there are some things I’d rather not say in moving forward, and sometimes, that is the only closure I need.

I’d rather not tell you the details of my assault. I’ve been through the motions and necessary steps to find healing from such a horrible experience, but there’s no need to relive it with you. I’d rather not get into it, attempt to piece things together, or try to figure out why I do the things I do in my life based on that experience. It is such a sensitive topic, and at times being vulnerable by sharing and discussing it helps us heal. But there is the risk that the act of constantly bringing it up in our lives can prevent us from fully healing from it. Aside from that, under no circumstances, will it ever be okay to use my past assault as a weapon to defend someone else who may have gone through something similar. We can be united and aligned through our pain, but also through our perseverance. All I will say is #metoo, and offer my compassion and understanding.

I’d rather not tell you that before I met you, I was the happiest I’d ever been. I had gone through the fire that my life’s challenges had put me through and I not only came out on top, but I was thriving and in a constant state of rejoicing. Rejoicing for health, freedom from medicines and illness, and from anything that previously bound me, because at 30 years old, I was finally free. I was happy because I did that on my own…and you took it away. But you’ll never know the impact you made on me because you don’t deserve that.

I’d rather not tell you that even though I built myself back up from what you did to me, I still haven’t been able to get back to how I was before I met you. After three years, the therapy, tears shed, and long conversations with friends, I still can’t understand why I ever let you in to begin with. You were someone I never would’ve given a chance to, someone I could never picture myself with. And yet you somehow got past all my guards, broke down the walls that protected me and tapped into something I didn’t even know was lacking from my life. You manipulated your way in, manipulated my emotions, and gained a form of a control I’m still ashamed to admit I allowed.

I’d rather not tell you that I forgave you but I can’t forget what happened. I will always forgive but never forget. I won’t dwell on the memory or over think what happened, but I will always remember how I got through that pain. How I was able to use it to propel me to a better place and acknowledge that I gained strength through that pain. It taught me how to stand by standards I set and never go against my instincts. Those painful memories were reminders of what to never accept again. But sometimes when mean-spirited people are aware that you’ve forgiven them, they view your forgiveness as an invite to repeat their poor behavior. I’d rather you always think I’m still angry, just so you won’t make any attempts to come back around.

I’d rather not tell you the reason we drifted apart. I don’t want to have to explain to you that it was your narcissistic behavior and selfishness that drove me away. I don’t want you to turn the tables on me as you always did so easily. How can I explain to you that your idea of friendship became so twisted, that you were apathetic towards anyone or anything unless it revolved around you? I’d rather move forward without saying a word, drifting like the wind in the different directions life takes us in. To be honest, you wouldn’t even care if I did tell you, nor would you make any attempts to change. I choose to move on without calculating you as a friend… without calculating you at all.

What I’ve come to understand so clearly is that my unspoken words have enabled me to heal. I will never say that sometimes I think I miss you, because I realize I just miss who I was before you. And I will never say that it’s okay you didn’t choose me, because I didn’t need you to.

What I will say is this: thank you for the memories and lessons… my life is so much better without you in it.