Thought Catalog

I’m A Woman Who Has It All, Here’s How I Get It Done Every Day (I’m Dying Inside)

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I am a successful career woman with 2.5 kids and a husband who doesn’t resent me for my busy schedule and am also 25 but still can party and am hot. HOW do I do it? How do I have it all!?

Ladies, here are my secrets:

For one thing, I am miserable all the time. Cheers to that, am I right? Ah, there’s really nothing like waking up in the morning and dreading the rest of your existence. And I do it every day! It is SO vital to stick to a routine.

I rise at 6:00AM EST every morning without fail, because I have insomnia and stomach ulcers and feel like dying all the time so who cares about REM cycles! Then I kiss my adoring and super handsome husband and swallow the urge to lash out at him because I’ve been suppressing my emotions since 2007. He loves me exactly for who I make him think I am.

I need to have ice cold water with freshly squeezed lemon. It doesn’t do anything, but it sort of gives off the illusion that I am holding it together well. I’d drink bleach if it meant that I’d never age!

I do pilates. I know what you’re thinking: What’s even the point? We’re all just a bag of bones and when the robot overlords take over, they’re not going to care who took pilates classes (I think?). I mean, if you really think about it, do I have a genuine purpose on this planet anymore or am I just trying to do everything everyone else expects of me? Haha! Am I whining again? I HAVE IT ALL, I AM BETTER THAN YOU.

I haven’t felt anything, both physically and emotionally, in 14 years.

Following pilates, I will do yoga. I smile through the agony of knowing that my parents still aren’t proud of me, which is something I always think about whenever I have a moment in silence. I really hate silence. Can’t be left alone with my thoughts, haha! NAMASTE, I AM AMAZING!

I have avocado toast for breakfast. Sometimes I will drink the blood of my enemies (stay-at-home moms, anyone who genuinely loved Marie Kondo’s book, any woman who is younger and hotter than me). As I’m eating, I extract a small part of my soul and Venmo it to Satan himself. Ladies, you can’t have it all unless you are literally working with the devil! Someone make it stop.

I massage thousands of dollars’ worth of beauty products into my tired, sagging flesh. I smile in my vanity mirror as I do this, showing off my fake, perfect teeth. I have fake teeth because I ground my real ones down to the gum from stress. It was for the best, because NOW I HAVE IT ALL.

My husband finally rises and demands breakfast. I make him and my 2.5 genetically flawless children a magnificent feast. As I’m cooking, I also solve 19 different problems my company needs fixing. I spend most of my time multitasking running a company I invented, raising my 2.5 kids, and training for a triathlon I’m doing to raise money for charity. Exhausted reading that? I literally want to die.

For lunch, I just gulp down some air. I sit at my Powerful Woman Office Desk and take a moment to really inhale aggressively. If I’m not hot, then what’s the point? I do a sheet mask and then put out some fires. Both literal and metaphorical.

My organs are shutting down.

The rest of the afternoon is dedicated to Business. I look so good in a pantsuit. I am taken seriously! I inject youth serums into my veins in the women’s bathroom before big meetings. I can’t remember the last time I blinked. My mouth tastes like blood a lot of the time.

Before making dinner, I like to cocoon myself in cashmere. I got myself a cashmere straitjacket that I wear for about an hour in a special room in my beautiful, expensive house that I bought, so that I can sob hysterically without trying to rip my face off.

After dinner and mandatory family bonding so that my children grow up with vivid memories of how well I raised them, I put everyone to bed. I stare out my giant window, thankful for all that I’ve accomplished. Which is everything. My eye twitches. Soon, at dawn, I will have to do it all over again. See!? You CAN have it all! TC mark

Essential Poetry For Enlivened Souls

This is for the women who are first to get naked, howl at the moon and jump into the sea. This is for the women who seek relentless joy; the ones who know how to laugh with their whole souls. The women who speak to strangers because they have no fear in their hearts. This is for the women who drink coffee at midnight and wine in the morning, and dare you to question it. This is for the women who throw down what they love, and don’t waste time following society’s pressures to exist behind a white picket fence. The women who create wildly, unbalanced, ferociously and in a blur at times. This — is for you.

“When Janne has a new poem written, I shut my life down to do nothing but read it, and then when I turn my life back on, everything is better.”
James Altucher

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