Hello there, generic internet audience. It is I, a generic 20-something writer living in New York City, here to bestow upon you some generic advice about love and dating and relationships (sup Jake, are you still checking in on me?).
I may only be 23 years old, but BOY do I have a lot to say about relationships (Jake, picture me saying all of this specifically to you, because that’s why I wrote this).
The dating landscape for millennials these days is bleak and desolate because technology is ruining everything and also because sometimes your ex can be kinda a dick to you (Jake, this is when you should start getting suspicious that this is entirely personal and not at all just a generic article on dating, do you see what I’m doing here?).
But I’m here to tell you, generic internet audience, that he is the one missing out on greatness (Jake, I am the “greatness” in this case). He just doesn’t understand your light and aura and spirit (Jake, what the fuck? How do you not understand any of these things?).
You are not the problem (I am not the problem), it’s him (I hate you, Jake).
You may get tired of constantly being let down by the men of this world (I’M TIRED, JAKE). Maybe he plays games (you blocked me on Facebook???) or he toys with your heart (did you only recently turn on your read receipts? For my benefit?), but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still look for love! (Jake, if you don’t fall back in love with me, I’m going to make an entire career out of this).
Love is, like, the greatest feeling in the world (I’m angry all the time now, but I remember it being great). But sometimes a fuckboy will come along and completely ruin that feeling for us old souls (Jake, this is an allusion to the many texts I’ve sent you recently calling you a “fuckboy,” I hope you catch on).
Gentle doves of the internet, you do not need to tolerate men like this (did you read that Jake? I’m a fucking gentle dove—says me).
You deserve someone who is going to love you and cherish you and hold you close at night and want to meet your family (I could not be directing this any more towards you).
So my sweet generic internet readership, keep all of this in mind. Be kind to yourself (I’m taking no responsibility) and move forward from the past relationships (if you don’t message me at 3AM EST, asking if I wrote this about you, we’re officially done).