Thank You For Noticing That, Yes, I Am A Cool Girl

You can break up with your regular girlfriend now! Because it’s me, the Cool Girl you’ve been looking for. And boy are you impressed with the fact that I mold my personality around exactly what you like and ALSO have a super hot body.

I’m so flattered that you noticed immediately that I’m not like other girls. I’m honored you say it as a compliment too. And I just love that it’s one of the things—if not the main thing!—you love about me. Regular Girls are just like, ugh, you know?

And I’m wearing a leather jacket at this bar, so it’s really nice of you to acknowledge how chill I am right off the bat.

Speaking of bats, do you like sports? I like sports to a level where I can hold my own in a conversation and totally make all your friends fall in love with me, but at the same time you can still feel the thrill of explaining certain things to me. I’m cool with it.

I’m not into dumb girly stuff like emotions. Haha, I’d rather die. I’m basically a robot—but, like, a hot one. And by that I mean I try very hard to completely suppress all of my feelings and my natural desires to become part of your life and require basic human respect from you. You could ignore me for days and I’ll still be down to eat a burger with you without mentioning it.

I hate salads, but my body looks like I only eat salads.

And I will totally let you play ‘Banana Pancakes’ on the guitar for me as I drink some of the whiskey you stole from your roommate. You’re so good at guitar. And, yeah, I only like whiskey. I don’t even wince when I drink it. I’ve also tried every beer in existence—which surprises a lot of people, because I’ve never been bloated in my life. I bet I can burp louder than you.

I’m just one of the guys, but in the body of a really hot girl.

I can’t stand the drama of hanging out with girls all the time, you know? Gossip is so boring! What do girls even do? I’d much rather lie around and have you describe to me how Reddit works or why my body should be regulated by the government. Let me watch you play video games. Let’s eat a ton of hot dogs and then not workout because I don’t need to (I naturally look like this, can you believe it?). Do you know how to play ‘Wonderwall’?

I’m a little bit of a slob, but it’s so charming to you! Not too messy where you’re grossed out, but messy enough where you immediately feel comfortable around me. I’m, like, an approachable and functional disaster. You’re impressed, but not threatened. How fucking cool.