Congratulations!

Here’s recognition that you are a self-proclaimed Decent Human Being. You asked me some questions about my job and laughed warmly at the appropriate times. You only talked over me once, and then you quickly apologized. It was a nice thing of you to do, it’s cool you pointed that out to me right after you did it. You even bought me a drink and didn’t get weird afterwards. I appreciate that you pointed that out to me as well.

On behalf of women everywhere, I’d like to congratulate you on being a Nice Guy.

And I always knew you were a Nice Guy because you started out our conversation by immediately announcing that you were one. Self-awareness is important, I agree.

We seem to have a lot in common, Nice Guy. That’s pretty exciting. I’m kinda surprised two people at this bar really like documentaries on wine fraud, and it happens to be both of us. It’s crazy how we also seem to have the exact same opinions on Mary Shelley. I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily fate, but sure, it’s also great that we both consider ourselves feminists.

Actually, are you even listening to me? You just nodded enthusiastically in response to me asking you where you grew up.

I don’t know how we got into such an in-depth discussion about every guy I’ve ever interacted with before, but I’m so glad you’re very adamant that you would never “let me go.” We just met an hour ago. But, okay, I guess I agree that that is a nice thing of you to say to me. Great job.

I am very charmed by how often you tell me you’d like to take care of me, as if I am a shell of a human being. All I said was I rarely have time to cook these days. I don’t really know what “I always fall for girls who are disasters” means—is that supposed to be me? Are you going to save me or something?

I guess it is pretty revolutionary of you to ask for my number but “just as friends.” I like that you specified it was so we could “hang out—definitely not go on a date haha” a bunch of times so I would definitely be reminded that you are just a regular, Nice Guy. I’m sure you don’t have unachievable expectations for me.

I’m not exactly sure why you just said “pretty girls like her are always bitches to nice guys like me” about that girl over there. First of all, where did that come from? Have you met her before? Was she mean to you?

Second, did you just inadvertently tell me I’m not pretty?

Sure, you can have a hug. I kinda hate that you asked for one, but ok, whatever, you haven’t murdered me yet—as you’ve pointed out twice now, even though it’s sort of, like, the least you could do—so I suppose I will give you one.

Consider it your reward for being a self-proclaimed Nice Guy. Congrats.