A recent article on Post Grad Problems posed some important and serious questions about White Girl Fashion.
I have spent 22 years in the field studying Generic White Girls (because I am one), and have decided now, more than ever, the world deserves answers.
But, side note: I’m frankly kind of concerned that the author could only come up with four things he needs answers for. What about peplum tops? How do we French braid our own hair? Do we all have one of those giant floppy hats? Why do we wear high waisted shorts? How do bralettes work? How do we maneuver wearing a romper when we need to pee? What the fuck are bangles?
Alas, here are the uncovered truths behind these four trends that a dude on the internet is very confused by.
I know that not all fashion trends need to serve a purpose, but out of all the fashion trends that have come across my feed lately, top knots have me the most perplexed. I’m not talking about buns or up-dos or whatever high-maintenance brides request and later regret because their stylist can’t get it right – I’m talking about top knots, Those little balls of hair that rest on top of your had that allow the back of your hair to fall freely while really only holding back your bangs.
I sincerely don’t know if I just don’t jive with the actual look of the top knot, or if I feel like I’m just staring at Legolas from Lord of the Rings who just got his top knot chopped off in battle. Or perhaps I’m just used to seeing Jessa and Shoshanna fully commit to the full-on top bun which makes this look completely foreign to me.
Is it too much to ask to just leave this bun to the people we hate like Harry Styles and The Fat Jewish?
The top knot is an incredibly revolutionary hairstyle that has changed the way we think. In layman’s terms, basically, we can now throw our hair up in a half bun and still be photographed/Snapchatted without it looking like we don’t have any hair.
Why put our hair up in the first place? Why not commit to leaving it fully down instead, in order to avoid the aforementioned Photo Baldness Mishap?
For reasons ranging from having greasy hair that morning to waking up and realizing that you stupidly slept with your hair in a messy bun and so now the top layer of your hair is super crimped and curly at odd angles, which makes it impossible to wear completely down.
Thus, Queen Ariana Grande was sent from the Heavens to introduce us to this hairstyle (that sort of gives us a headache sometimes, but beauty is pain, or whatever) so that we can continue being photographed and looking like we didn’t try super hard when we were getting ready this morning.
When you’re bloated from all the sugar in the champagne and the wedding band has already played shout, there comes a time in every man’s life that I imagine is the male equivalent of taking their bra off after a long day – when they can finally undo their bow tie and free up their neck from the constraints of their tuxedo.
I know, I know – women don’t have Adam’s apples but that’s beside the fact because I still can’t imagine that choker necklaces are that much more comfortable than bow ties. While no, fashion isn’t always meant to be comfortable, it just feels like there are other options out there that don’t wring your neck and put out a The Craft vibe. Believe me, if there was a more comfortable option than a bow tie, I’d snatch up two in case I got too drunk and ripped the first one.
Hey, if they’re comfortable, I support your decision just like I’d hope you support my decision to fully transition into joggers because of the elastic waistbands. But if they’re constricting you in any way at all, just know that I support your decision to walk away from the trend and let it die a lonely death like the girls from The Craft would’ve wanted.
The White Girl History of the choker goes waaaay back to Queen Victoria, who was all about “putting out a The Craft vibe” in late 1800s.
The main difference between chokers and bow ties is that chokers aren’t actually as painful as they look (also our ribbon chokers are what’s holding our heads in place, so we really can’t take them off).
Chokers are an excellent indicator of who the Cool Girls are (this should’ve been obvious when I used Queen Victoria as an example). You’ll find these girls wearing dark lipsticks, not ordering salads for lunch, and definitely at Coachella (bonus points if she’s also wearing fringe!).
Okay, okay – before I begin, let me clarify. I don’t mean all destroyed denim. Denim, naturally, is made to be worn to its bitter end. Many a white boy has worn his JNCOs to the point where mud puddles seep up the frayed backs just like many a cowboy have ripped their Wranglers on some killer cacti. But the destroyed denim I have questions about is the new fad where pretty much an entire third of the jean is ripped out of the front of the knee. Kind of like what Kourtney Kardashian is wearing.
The way that I’ve always looked at destroyed denim is that it’s naturally damaged. But these just look like Edward Scissorhands was the salesperson at Forever 21 and they enforced a strict “you break it, you buy it” policy when he attempted to check you out. It looks like two landmines exploded out of the knees and Kanye West said, “You know what? It’s perfect” and slapped them on Kim because he knew there was nothing else like it on the market. Besides, isn’t one of the benefits of wearing jeans that you don’t have to shave your legs? I mean, I pretty much always wear a shirt solely so people can’t see my rogue back hairs.
I personally can’t vouch for this because I generally avoid pants at all costs. But if guys can still wear fuckin’ cargo shorts, we 110% can wear pants with holes in them. Cargo shorts have 87 different sized pockets. Destroyed denim allows us the small victory of only needing to shave our knees.
You know when you were little and you’d watch those shows on the discovery channel where some psycho painted the Mona Lisa on the end of a needle with a piece of hair or some shit? That’s what I imagine trying to get the perfect wing of mascara on your eye is like. Does it look good? Absolutely. Do I worry about your hand cramping up when you’re on try number five and your Uber driver has his thumb hovering over the “Cancel” button? Yes, yes, I do. I know it’s very Ariana Grande of you, but wouldn’t it be easier to just simplify the process? Or am I completely out of touch and it takes no longer than any other way of putting on makeup? Fuck. I’m definitely out of touch.
Eyes are the windows to our souls, and how on point our eyeliner is correlates to how much of a better person we are. We’re not going to half-ass that flick at the outer corners of our eyes just because our Uber driver is on the way (our rating can’t get much lower than it already is). We’re going to whole-ass all five attempts at perfection, because the day we show up anywhere with mismatched eyes is the day hell freezes over.