1. Brief glance, quick eye contact that manages to convey “I acknowledge your existence in my presence, but we will not be interacting.”
This exchange, although entirely silent, will haunt your thoughts for the rest of the day. You’re going to have to cancel, like, the rest of your week’s plans—including that call to your grandmother. You’re the type of person who has to contemplate following through with an online purchase because you’re uncertain about whether you want to pay for shipping and handling.
2. Direct eye contact, doing that thing with your mouth where you tighten it in a straight line instead of actually smiling.
Wow, you must be one powerful person! You probably wear loafers for your job and always say that you identify with Death of a Salesman, although you’ve never actually read the play or seen the movie with Dustin Hoffman. You flash your folded New York Times to people on the subway, but seriously you have no idea what the fuck is going on in the world and just like asking people: “Did you read that article?” You have a misquoted Obama quote as your email signature.
3. Head nod in general direction, last minute finger guns.
You have never taken anything seriously before in your life and the first time someone seriously told you they loved you, you just widened your eyes and said something like “back ‘atcha.”
4. Making eye contact by accident, quickly looking at the ground, looking back up at the person again when you’re closer to them, making eye contact a second time, and smiling warmly as if you just noticed them.
You always talk about how your zodiac sign totally makes you an extrovert, but you’re not entirely confident that you know what any of those words actually mean. You’ve advertised multiple times on Facebook that you’re selling hand-written motivational posters, your LinkedIn says you work at Tumblr but you actually just have a personal Tumblr account, and you comment “FOMO” on every single photo of a group of people doing something without you.
5. Making eye contact for more than two seconds.
You know a weird amount of information about serial killers.
6. Pretending you’re looking at something incredibly important on your phone.
You’re totally the type of person whose iPhone camera is 77% filled with meme screenshots and you probably think the Fat Jewish is, like, the funniest guy of all time. You have paid real life money to see an Adam Sandler movie in theaters more than once, you brag about never voting in any election, you can’t go to a party without knowing at least 5 people there, and every roommate you’ve ever had names you their worst roommate experience ever.
7. Waving and genuinely smiling.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
8. “Hey, how are you?” (feat. handshake).
All of your co-workers can’t stand you. You’re a go-getter. A Type-A. Completely oblivious to the fact that nobody in the world has ever wanted to shake hands and make small talk with someone they haven’t seen in 5 years. You’re also the type to answer honestly when someone asks you how you are—you’ve never just been like “Yeah, I’m good, thanks for asking!” Ooooh, no, you go all in with some intimate details about your current mental and emotional state because you truly think everyone should care.
9. “We should totally get lunch or something!”
You. Are. A. Liar. You were that kid in elementary school who went to the nurse’s office for every ailment you thought you had. You grew up being a tattletale. Now you’re just a Lunch Plan Liar. You hold the record for making the largest number of coffee dates without ever following through with any of them.