82 Generic White Guy Names And What They Say About His Personality

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Christopher Campbell
Christopher Campbell

1. Todd: Wears loafers. Knows specifically what Ralph Lauren line looks best on him.

2. Garrett: Wears glasses, doesn’t need them.

3. Will: From the Northeast, played lacrosse in high school and thought he would be recruited, but wasn’t. Always slightly shorter than you want him to be.

4. Chad: Evil.

5. Brian: Super picky eater. His girlfriend will always end up financially supporting him.

6. Bryan: Totally different from Brian. Wears a lot of Hawaiian shirts.

7. Ryan: Never texts you back because he’s perpetually on some “comedy tour.”

8. Ross: Not conventionally attractive, but super fucking funny.

9. Chase: Joined, like, a super niche indie band and plays the bagpipes and some other instrument nobody has ever heard of. Lives in Europe now because “Europeans appreciate the arts.” Whatever, Chase.

10. Colin: Lives in Patagonia fleeces, no matter what temperature it is outside.

11. Greg: That guy who shows up uninvited to things. The target to be roasted in all group texts. Handles it like a champ.

12. Phillip: Literally always at GameStop.

13. Kurt: You’re friends with him because he has a car and never seems to be doing anything so he always will give you a ride.

14. Connor: Perpetually heartbroken.

15. Jack: Republican.

16. John: Got straight-As in high school and then started drinking in college. Hasn’t stopped drinking since.

17. Ian: Plays World of Warcraft and drinks Monster energy drinks. Still.

18. Spencer: Went surfing once, puts the surfer guy emoji next to his name when he puts his name into your phone.

19. Martin: Is uncomfortable not wearing some kind of argyle print somewhere on his person.

20. Adam: He’s that guy who comments in public Facebook event pages why he can’t attend. Adam, nobody in “The Chainsmoker’s: Metro Nashville Area” cares that you’re bummed you can’t go because you’ll be visiting family in Seattle that weekend.

21. Rob:

22. Cam: Always texts you about wanting to drop acid on a weekday.

23. Cameron: Puts “Feminist” in his dating app profiles so he can get laid.

24. Josh: You probably met him at a music festival. He will use any opportunity given to take his shirt off. He owns and wears colored, plastic wayfarers.

25. Jeremy: Only owns sleeveless shirts.

26. Aaron: Uses Magnum condoms, doesn’t have to.

27. Chaz: Always trying to bring “Chaz” back.

28. Austin: Works at Equinox, didn’t actually *officially* graduate from USC (one unit short). Every profile picture he has on Facebook is with girls.

29. Jared: Loves vodka Red Bulls a little too much.

30. Michael: Peaked in high school, officially the worst now.

31. Mike: Will shame you for getting too drunk.

32. Matthew: Always threatens to “write about you” in his future book.

33. Matt: Hits on girls who are way out of his league.

34. Paul: Has a 401k straight out of college. Has a Bible verse tattooed somewhere.

35. Blake: Will literally do anything to make people laugh at parties. Once licked a banana slug on a dare.

36. Dillon: Thinks he’s a lot hotter than he actually is. Never successfully uses “there/their/they’re” correctly.

37. Dylan: Parents are stoners.

38. Dave: A “you don’t seeing it coming” fuck boy.

39. Daniel: Somehow always playing an acoustic guitar.

40. Dan: Hot. Can cook.

41. Sam: Constantly telling people that he’s a really good guy. He’s pretty mediocre.

42. Stewart: Wears a lot of sweater vests.

43. Alex: Will sing for a girl on the first date.

44. Alexander: Has been doodling anime on random pieces of paper since he was in 5th grade.

45. Alec: He invites you to his DJ gigs all the time.

46. Beau: Total goofball.

47. Zachary: Big fan of Family Guy.

48. Ben: You can’t say anything bad about him, but at the same time…You can’t really find anything great to say about him either?

49. Derek: Still in his skateboarding phase.

50. Tom: Gets, like, personally offended when people cheat or play even the simplest games “the wrong way.” Used to cry when his middle school basketball team lost.

51. Jim: Peaked playing intramural frisbee in college.

52. James: Either is British or wants to be British.

53. Zack: Raised in a super nice upper-middle class suburb and got two girls (who were friends) pregnant.

54. Mark: Accidentally snuck into a really cool group of friends. Nobody knows how.

55. Jesse: He loves the Fast and Furious franchise.

56. Billy: Peaked when he was 14, still acts like he is 14.

57. Dick: Lives up to his name.

58. Jeffrey: Reeeeeally loves his Mom.

59. Reid: Named his bong Mike Wazowski.

60. Alan: Always sounds like he’s talking through his nose.

61. Andrew: The guy you fall in love with. Wears a lot of flannel.

62. Kyle: Wears white mid-calf socks, no matter the occasion.

63. Jason: Wants to date you, but you don’t want to date him.

64. Jacob: Currently talking about how much he loves San Francisco.

65. Jake: Instantly tells you you’re splitting the check at dinner.

66. Nathan: Does improv.

67. Eric: Always wants to take you on a hike. Loves to bring his golden retriever who is “great off leash.”

68. Erik: Constantly telling you it’s “Erik with a K.” Thinks he’s the most unique person in the world. Always in a beanie.

69. Steve: Super into climbing. Just a touch granola, but it would take getting to know him really well to figure that out.

70. Stephen: Went to Duke, won’t shut up about it.

71. Steven: Cannot help himself and needs to argue with people in the comments section of things.

72. Travis: Has a butt chin.

73. Trevor: Has an Apple Watch.

74. Brady: Great Instagram aesthetic. Lots of pictures of him on a boat.

75. Brenden: Wrote you a song about how he loves you.

76. Kevin: Settles down really fast, is the first of his friends to be a father.

77. Ethan: Will wear a backwards hat until he is 45.

78. Tucker: Shaves his head whenever his sports team wins anything.

79. Nick: Constantly refers to himself as a “legend,” rarely does anything that qualifies as legendary.

80. Chris: Your boss.

81. Peter: Refers to sex as “making love.”

82. Patrick: Likes every post you put on your social media. TC mark

Laugh your ass off with these funny quotes.

Instagram Poet’s “3-Step Book” To Conquer Trauma

Depression is real. Anxiety is real. PTSD is real. ALL mental illnesses are real. Don’t believe anyone who is trying to tell you otherwise.

Every time I’m stressed I distract myself with doing something nice for someone else and it’s the best thing on this planet to watch someone’s eyes light up because they weren’t expecting something nice to happen.

Click here to learn about Nikita

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