1. That Girl Who Never Went Through An Awkward Phase And Was Prettier At The Age Of 12 Than You Are Currently
She ended up going to SMU for college and somehow got even prettier (what the fuck?). She is dating a guy whose father found oil off the coast of some country, and she just recently announced that he bought her a golden retriever puppy and a pearl necklace for their two month anniversary. She’s still a bitch and is probably still awful at basic algebra. After her first kid, she’ll finally get fat.
2. The Class Clown Who Literally Always Interrupted Class With Really Dumb (Yet Kinda Funny) Comments
He joined an improv group in college and now works as a bartender somewhere in Los Angeles. He’s mellowed out a bit (read: he smokes a ton of pot now) and says he’s buddies with Seth Rogen, but really he just served him once at the bar he works at. He almost got arrested for attempting to spray paint his neighbor’s garage door (he was high) and is now that guy who always asks strangers if he can pet their dogs. He tried doing stand-up a couple years ago but was booed off the stage for blatantly ripping off a very famous Louis CK joke.
3. That Poor Nerd With The Glasses And Headgear
He’s doing the best out of everyone in your 8th grade class. He’s moved to San Francisco, has grown a beard, lives on his MacBook, and freely wears his glasses because now every woman he encounters thinks it’s so endearing and vulnerable that he actually needs them. He wears a lot of turtlenecks, somehow always manages to talk about gentrification on the first date, and will self-publish a novel about how he developed a very successful app in about five years.
4. The Know-It-All Who Thought (And Still Thinks) She Was Better Than Everyone Else
Ugh, you can still hear her quiet whimpering when the teacher would call on someone else in class and they would give the wrong answer. She was the top student in every single subject, but was so fucking annoying about it. She would do things like announce to the class that she “accidentally” read the entirety of Romeo and Juliet in a single night, rather than just the assigned reading, so she was worried that she might “spoil the ending” for someone. She still thinks she’s better than you—especially since she decided to study abroad in Argentina for a year. She now works for Goldman Sachs and will retire before you even fully grasp what a 401k is.
5. That Boy Who Obviously Had Two Really Fun, Really Rich Parents Who Would Wear Flannel Pajama Pants Into School Everyday And Only Pack Fruit Roll-Ups For Lunch
You didn’t realize it was him at first, but you definitely bought Adderall from this guy when you were finishing up your college thesis. You’re not sure if he actually went to college, but you know he still proudly lives at his parents’ house. He says he did some pretty wild stuff at Coachella two years ago, but he really didn’t. He’s a regular at Chipotle (and always pays extra for guacamole), is probably the only person over 15 to have a Costco sized box of Cap’n Crunch Berries stashed under his bed, and he regularly writes blog posts about how great the 90s were—despite the fact that he was born in 1994.
6. The Really Nice Christian Girl Who Would Do Things Like Bring Cupcakes In For The Whole Grade On Her Birthday
Married and divorced before the age of 23. Definitely not making cupcakes anymore because she just started the Atkins Diet as a morale-boost for her post-divorce life. She vehemently wants to be a soccer mom so badly that she started working as an au pair for her cousin’s kids. Recently signed up for a flower arrangement class, which is where she will meet her third husband, who is almost 20 years her senior. Two weeks after their honeymoon, he will ask her to convert to Judaism.
7. The Bad Ass Who Never Showed Up To Class
You thought this guy was so cool when he would defy your Spanish teacher and show up to class 25 minutes late every day, but now that you think back on it, he was totally just a massive asshole. He was yanked out of 10th grade and forced into military school, so now he’s buff, has some seriously crazy stories from serving in the army overseas, and is in fact very, very gay. What you really can’t get over is the fact that the punk who used to pretend to smoke cigarettes by the dumpsters behind the school has shaken hands with Obama before. Twice.
8. The Guy Who Everyone Considered The Pinnacle Of Coolness And Popularity Because He Could Do The Most Pull-Ups During Gym
Once he got to high school, his time for running the mile became less impressive, and so he gave up on athletics all together. He developed an enormous beer gut during his college years at Syracuse and actually was inadvertently the one who started that whole “Dad Bod” revolution on Instagram. He only wears football jerseys, has proudly been involved in (and started) three different bar brawls, is permanently forbidden from entering any Chili’s establishment in the U.S., and is surprisingly a very gentle and affectionate lover.
9. That Boy You Thought Was Super Cute And You Sort Of Tried “Dating” Your Freshman Year Of High School
Every time you see him, you think of that time he cried on your parents’ couch when you broke up with him. He still pretends you never dated. He’s kinda hot now, which is really a bummer for you because you feel like you anticipated his future good looks and success back when you were both 13. You should’ve held onto him longer.
10. The Crazy Horse Girl
Once a Crazy Horse Girl, always a Crazy Horse Girl. CHG wore pigtails and knee socks all throughout high school and always had a horse poster hanging up in her locker, which she would secretly stroke lovingly for inspiration and courage right before a test. She dreamt of moving to a real ranch after graduating from college, but she really didn’t have the arms to participate in any activity that required manual labor. Instead, she became that secretary at the dentist’s office—the one, obviously, with the giant horse calendar by her desktop computer.