1. The guy whose self-established uniform is a Brooks Brothers button down and a periwinkle Patagonia. God, this guy fucking sucks. He’s going to tweet the maple leaf emoji six times in a row at 12:57am, as he’s in his uber home from going out on the 19th. He will definitely high five someone at exactly 4:20pm.
2. The girl who told everyone she bought a “totally sick pipe” from some guy on the street when she went to the Bahamas for spring break. She’s never actually purchased any drugs before in her life—she’s only ever been smoked out by the guys who lived down the hall in her apartment building. She’s going to take one Snapchat photo of her holding her pipe with the caption being something like “lololol let the festivities begin~*~.”
3. That guy you went to Catholic school with who ended up going to college in Oregon/ Colorado/ Vermont, and who now lives on, like, a commune in the middle of the mountains somewhere. His profile picture shows him sitting on a front porch, wearing a tie dye shirt. Maybe a bandana too. He’s not going to be posting anything because he’s going to be too high to remember to do it, but just the knowledge that he actively recognizes 4/20 as a real holiday is enough to remove him from your newsfeed.
4. Your roommate from freshman year who seriously introduced herself to you by saying her biggest pet peeve was being in the presence of people who were “bad at rolling joints.” Really, that was her biggest pet peeve. She openly left rolling papers out on her desk (you always thought it was kinda hilarious that she got these using her parents’ Amazon Prime account) and would chain-smoke whenever she got drunk. Her social media presence from 4/18 until 4/21 will be a certifiable nightmare.
5. All of your younger sister’s high school friends. They will give you a headache from all the inevitable eye-rolling, they don’t know any better.
6. The guy who has previously made Facebook status rants about how “late to the game” and “stupid” it was that the state he currently lives in hasn’t legalized marijuana yet. You highly (pun intended) doubt that this law decision would drastically improve or change his life at all. He’s tweeted his concerns about legalization (and the lack thereof) at Ted Cruz about 23 different times—you’re not quite sure why. He will inevitably post a photo of Bob Marley somewhere.
7. Absolutely anyone you know who purposefully includes “4/20 friendly” in their bio on dating apps. Come on.
8. The actual stoner you met while studying abroad, who you thought was hilariously strange and fascinating. He looks like the type who probably lives (or eventually will live) in a nudist colony. He’s the type to unwittingly stumble upon an orgy somewhere and just decide to roll with it. He’s a loner, but he gets a ton of social media support from his other stoner friends, so you catch yourself reading his high thoughts as you’re scrolling through a bunch of BuzzFeed posts on Facebook. They’re pretty fucking weird. Especially when he posts stuff about space. You’re not ready for what he has to say on 4/20.