17 Qualities Your Conservative Mother Really Wishes You Would Look For In A Boyfriend

1. He wants to get married as soon as possible. His dream bachelor party is a small gathering of lads wearing Sperry’s on a boat somewhere. Everyone will be asleep before midnight. IPAs only, no strippers.

2. He has a very generic name, just like you. There’s a high chance your mom will not even need to physically meet him to give her approval if he has a II or III in his full name.

3. He has a spotless record of never having worn flip flops in his entire life. You’re not exactly sure why this is a priority.

4. He went to a small liberal arts college in a cornfield somewhere. He’s done a keg stand to show he’s fun, but it certainly wasn’t a party school.

5. He can toooootally appreciate art and literature, but he didn’t go batshit and pursue the humanities in college (like you did). Your mother thinks he’s amazingly talented for passing the Art History AP Exam in high school, but still majored in Econ. Why couldn’t you do that?

6. Strong handshake. Non-negotiable.

7. He would never, ever feel comfortable enough around your parents to call them by their first names. No matter how much they like him, they’ll like him more if he’s open about being slightly terrified of them.

8. He is one of the following professions: doctor, doctor, doctor, doctor, doctor, doctor, doctor, doctor, doctor, doctor, investment banker, doctor, doctor, doctor, doctor, doctor, doctor.

9. It would be “a plus” if he were a Kennedy. Didn’t Taylor Swift date one? Surely you can find one too?

10. If you can’t lock down a Kennedy, Rory Mcllroy or Jordan Spieth are also fine.

11. He has at least one custom suit lying around. Just in case.

12. He loves the outdoors—but not to the point where your mother begs to know what she did to you growing up that resulted in you dating a hippie. Like, he cannot have a beard and should not feel comfortable going two days without showering. Your mother would have a brain aneurysm.

13. He knows how to throw the perfect spiral. He can throw a no-hitter baseball game if he really puts his mind to it. He once clocked in his serve at 70mph during his varsity tennis team days. He’s one of those people who suggests working out when you have period cramps.

14. His favorite colors are red, white, and blue. He will probably grow up to be Jack Donaghy.

15. He prefers spending car rides listening to NPR rather than Top 40. He secretly admits to you and your mother that he used to have a weird crush on Diane Rehm.

16. He backpacked in South America. But he totally thinks it’s cute that you studied abroad in Europe. He’s been there too but, you know, he really wanted to use study abroad as an excuse to step outside his comfort zone and change a couple of other people’s lives at the same time. It’s great that you just got drunk in Barcelona with your friends. Does your mom know he skied in Patagonia?

17. He has something that’s monogrammed.

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