Literally Shut Up If You’re Single On Valentine’s Day

If you’re wondering why I’m addressing this aggressive (definitely blacklisted by my parents) headline to single people on Valentine’s Day rather than couples, you’re exactly who I’m targeting.

Honestly, ask yourself, is it really the couples who are making February worse than it needs to be?

No. Couples are awful all the time, not just once a year.

But do you know who is absolutely out of control in the days leading up to February 14th?

Single people.

If I receive one more Facebook invitation to a Singles Awareness Day Party asking me to binge drink and numb the pain of being single on a random Sunday in February, I will implode.

Like a full moon to a werewolf, Valentine’s Day creates absolute monsters out of ordinary people. It’s like, once a person sees a coffee shop sign that reads “I Love You A Latte!” their eyes turn entirely black and they foam at the mouth and physically claw at fellow passers-by and whisper-scream: “Why am I alone?!?”

This one minuscule commercial holiday has morphed into a month-long existential crisis for people who are single the other 364 days out of the year without incident—an excuse to have a mental breakdown over the fact that they don’t have a specific human being to exchange macaroni hearts with.

This isn’t a holiday implemented by couples as a way to remind you that nobody good enough has been swiping right on you.

Why are you acting as if it’s a sudden, apocalyptic explosion of random hearts and glitter? Why do you change into an entirely intolerable human being whenever you see an elderly couple holding hands in the grocery store? You loved seeing that two weeks ago, why are you drunkenly crying about it now in the bathroom?

You can’t go from singing “Independent Woman” to sobbing “SOMEBODY PUT A RING ON IT” within the span of two weeks.

And if you think I’m going to conclude this with some self-love advice, I’m not.

Valentine’s Day is nothing. I’m not going to tell you to put on your favorite party dress and hit the town with the ~*~ladies~*~. I’m not going to reassure you that you totally deserve to sit in bed all day watching Katherine Heigl rom-coms (that actually sounds awful, I wouldn’t recommend that any day of the year, no matter how low you’re feeling). I won’t tell you to appreciate and find love in everyone around you because, frankly, you should be doing that already.