1. The couple’s names are always something like Janet and Derek. Before they even open their mouths, you know Janet will have the final say.
2. Janet and Derek always have an outrageous budget of like $10,000. Before you can wonder what Janet and Derek think they’re going to do with the equivalency of 10 month’s rent, you find out they’re looking for a house in South Dakota.
3. The episode always starts out with a montage of Janet and Derek walking along and holding hands as they discuss what they’re really looking for in a house.
4. It’s always: two and a half bathrooms, four bedrooms, a work space with natural lighting, surrounded by a moat filled with alligators, and the house needs to have been built in the 1800s.
5. Both Janet and Derek insist that they also definitely need space to “entertain their guests.” Then a staged b-roll footage plays of Janet and Derek making a toast with three friends in a crammed living room. Their hosting situation is evidently dire.
6. The demands are hefty but Janet and Derek insist they cannot go over budget.
7. They’ve clearly never seen “House Hunters” because they will 100% be going over budget.
8. Their wish-list: Janet wants granite countertops in the kitchen and for the house to have “character”; Derek needs a “man cave.”
9. After 5 minutes, you find yourself wondering if Janet and Derek’s marriage will last for the rest of the episode.
10. The realtor always has a clipboard and always looks too attractive to actually live in the state they’re working in.
11. The first house is ugly. Janet loves its charm (aka it looks like it’s haunted). Derek makes two feeble jokes about Janet needing a bigger closet. Classic.
12. The backsplash in the kitchen is a fucking mess. This is deemed an appropriate means for considering dismissing the entire house.
13. House #2: Janet passive aggressively laugh-screams at the realtor for thinking she could ever live in a beige house.
14. The realtor smiles through the pain. They will definitely cry in their car on the way back to the office.
15. Derek loves it. He has a thing for carpeted floors.
16. You can tell from Janet’s eyes that she’s reevaluating every decision she’s ever made with this man. Hardwood floors are nonnegotiable.
17. The kitchen is stunning—backsplash and all.
18. Janet, however, hates “the width of the hallways.”
19. Second house also would require Janet and Derek to share a sink in their master bath. Janet requires a moment to collect herself.
20. House #3 is about a million dollars over budget.
21. There are 27 bedrooms, 16 bathrooms, an indoor water fountain, and two new iPhones come with the purchase of the house.
22. The realtor justifies showing it by saying “I know, I know, it’s a little over budget—but you two deserve it.”
23. Janet loves the ceiling beams. Derek appreciates a good wraparound porch. It’s perfect.
24. It’s time for the big reveal. If they don’t pick the third house, you will take it personally.
25. Janet and Derek eliminate House #2. Fucking duh. As if Janet was going to live with carpet.
26. Janet and Derek weigh the pros and cons of Houses #1 and #3. At this point, you will have a brain aneurysm if they don’t pick the third house.
27. Janet: “The third house just didn’t have the character and charm I want.” Read: House #3 has air conditioning.
28. Derek: “But the first house is a longer commute for me to get to work.” Oh, Derek. You tried.
29. Aaaaaaaand they pick the first house. The wrong house. It’s always the wrong house.