1. When you unwittingly pick the nasty piece of chocolate covered toffee from the box of chocolates, no one will judge you when you spit it half-eaten back into the wrapper. …Except your cat or dog, but they’ve probably already seen you at your worst anyway (like last week when you sang Creed’s “With Arms Wide Open” in the bathroom naked).
2. You don’t have to spend $75 on frilly, impractical lingerie you’ll only be bold enough (or drunk enough) to wear once. That giant cotton tee shirt from college that’s miraculously survived 100+ wash cycles is a lot more forgiving than lace, anyway.
3. You don’t have to spend $75 on frilly, impractical lingerie that your partner will either A.) wear once or B.) be insulted you thought they’d ever wear in the first place.
4. Nothing in your life has to involve the colors pink, purple, or red unless you want it to.
5. You won’t have to get down on your hands and knees (this could technically end right here) to sweep up an unnecessary trail of rose petals the morning of February 15th.
6. You don’t need to go through the trouble of carrying out a double homicide just to get a booth at the quintessential romantic restaurant in your city.
7. You don’t have to discern if your significant other prefers rose gold or platinum by sneakily mentioning precious metals in casual conversation: “I really think the Olympics should change the medals to rose gold, white gold, and platinum; if that were the case, which one do you think should be the coveted prize?”
8. You don’t have to worry about being proposed to on the most unoriginal marriage proposal day of the year.
9. If the only thing you’re “in the mood” for is a greasy bag of cheeseburgers from White Castle, no one’s feelings will be hurt. (Except maybe your digestive tract’s.)
10. You won’t spend a half hour in Hallmark debating which greeting card conveys the appropriate level of mushiness for your relationship.
11. The letters “X” and “O” don’t have to be any more prominent in your alphabet than they are any other day of the year. (Unless you’re listening to Beyoncé’s latest CD and grieving the fact you’re not crazy and/or drunk in love — in which case, carry on.)
12. You won’t have to feign happiness after you clear away all that pink tissue paper and it becomes distressingly evident that the gift hints you’ve been subtly dropping fell on deaf ears.
13. You won’t have to find room in storage for another teddy bear holding a heart that reads “You’re My Honey” or a bee whose antennae spell out “Bee Mine.”
14. Only you will know if you shaved that day.
15. The only lofty expectations you have to contend with are the ones you’ve set for yourself, and you’ve probably already failed somehow. Pressure smessure.
16. You don’t have to share any of your chalky yet addictive NECCO Sweethearts with anyone, even if there is a disproportionate amount of “No Way”s to “Luv Me”s.
17. You don’t have to risk any optic strain trying to pull off “bedroom eyes” for the millionth time.
18. You won’t have to make an ass out of yourself by calling the florist and uttering the message, “To Pooky, Happy Valentine’s Day, from Snugglemonster,” when they ask what you want the card to say.
19. You won’t feel like a thoughtless jerk when you come across all the clever, original Valentine’s Day gifts some people on Pinterest have devised.
20. That unopened bottle of booze? It’s yours. All yours. Yours alone. You don’t have to clink any glasses or make any toasts “to us” or any other pronouns beyond “me,” “myself,” and “I.”