1. “What do you like to make?”
MONEY. We like to make MONEY. Pick a drink.
2. “I don’t like the taste of alcohol. I don’t want anything fruity. I don’t like beer. I’m allergic to wine. What do you suggest?”
Water. They sell it by the bottle at the gas station. Go outside, to the left, and keep walking.
3. “Do you have an iPhone 5 charger? Do you have an outlet close to me? Will you plug it in? Can I check it? Can I check it again? Can I check my phone? Did my phone go off? What’s my percentage?”
STOP with the phone babysitting. Bring your own charger if it’s that important. Nobody behind the bar is asking to borrow your shit. Also, meet a hookup old school. In person. Stop it with the dating apps if you’re so worried about wasting your phone’s battery.
4. “Do you know how to make a Monkey Fucker on Acid on the Beach shot?” (Or any other pseudo Cancun, Fort Lauderdale, Vegas, Scottsdale, San Diego Spring Break shot.)
Sure. I can make that. That will be 10 dollars.
Recipe: Crap well spirit, blue schnapps, peach schnapps, pineapple, cranberry.
Every time. Every shot.
5. “Can I get a shot of Jameson?”
Oooh, I like you.
No, I don’t.
6. The following interaction at Last Call:
(Slurring) “Can I get a shot?”
Sure, what would you like?
(Slurring) “Just make me something!” (Slaps ass of random girl/guy walking by.)
Have you ever heard of a bar mat shot?
7. “Will you ask that single lady over there to sit with me? Or, “Will you send that girl a drink on me?”
Dude, I don’t work at Match.com. Is this your first time in public? Do you even know what year it is? If you want to give her a drink, pick it up and take it over there yourself.
8. “Should I go to Bartending School?”
Not if you want a bartending job.
9. “Can I get a hot tea?”
Of course, would you like any pastries with that?
10. “Oh, Happy Hour? I love it. But first, can I try that wine? And that one? And this one? Oh, and that one also.”
You know you are going to order the $5.00 wine special. Stop pretending.
11. “Can we transfer this check to our table?”
Yes, we love transferring our tips to the servers.
12. (Slurring) “This drink is so weak.”
Wait until you try your next one.
13. “Is this a typical Monday night for you guys? It’s so slow.”
Dude, you are drinking on a Monday night. That’s the point: to avoid the weekend warriors.
14. “I know you guys are closed. You don’t mind that we are still sitting here, do you?”
No, no, it’s no problem. We love standing around for $3.00 dollars an hour in an empty bar, with the lights on and music off, waiting to go home, just so you can make out over melting ice. At this point, the question is begged, why do people just not go home together?
15. “You are seriously the best bartender ever. Service was amazing. Everything was so perfect. Thank you so much. I can’t get over what a great job you did.”
Beware. Beware. The verbal tip. We know your type. Over-complimenting and 10%. We know what you’re up to. And it don’t pay the rent.