So-called “toxic” women aren’t always actually toxic. While some certainly are, let’s reevaluate the label a little in the context of the patriarchal society we live in. A woman is actually toxic when she lacks empathy, is cruel, is exploitative, manipulative, and deliberately demeaning — that is a narcissistic woman, but she is not the true subject of this article. We certainly don’t want to embody true toxicity or encourage those traits or behaviors. But some of the women men usually label as “toxic” and fall in love with may not be any of these things. Some of these women are labeled “toxic” and “difficult” for all the wrong reasons by low quality men — like standing up for themselves or having basic boundaries, not being submissive enough for a controlling man, or fighting back and defending oneself against mistreatment. Here are the real reasons why men fall in love with so-called “toxic” and “difficult” women, and how you can integrate this knowledge to improve your dating life and protect yourself. 

Stop being his peace and start being his problem—and a menace to society. High quality men don’t fall in love with people-pleasing women — they fall in love with “inconvenient” women who make them work hard to earn them. This is part of the dopamine rush for them. 

Okay, you don’t really have to become a menace to society. I just included that for fun and bonus points. Too often, women are conditioned to center and cater to men in dating and relationships. Studies reveal that people in romantic relationships do not get as much of a dopamine rush from partners who are predictable and consistent – they actually get it from intermittent reinforcement, unpredictability, and hot and cold behavior. That doesn’t mean you have to deliberately be hot and cold or toxic. It simply means that by holding firmly to your standards and centering yourself rather than a man’s existence, you invest more time on yourself, invest less time on your dating partners and become more selective about who you spend on your energy on naturally. Society encourages women in relationships to bend over backwards, spend all their time on chasing men, cook and clean, be the “cool girl,” smile pleasantly while men disrespect you, and sacrifice their dreams and goals all in the pursuit of locking down a man. Once you start decentering men and start centering yourself, your standards, your needs, and your boundaries however, the crucial deprogramming begins — and that is actually when you have the opportunity to draw in high quality partners who actually respect you and get what you want out of a relationship as well. 

You have been told your whole life to be a man’s peace — now it’s time to teach yourself how to be okay with being a problem when necessary to hold on to your standards and boundaries. Authentic high-quality men do not fall in love with doting people-pleasers. They fall in love with so-called “inconvenient” women who challenge them to be better men. They want to impress the women they desire, not have one cater to them endlessly. By handing your attention over to a man who has shown you little to no effort, you’ve already convinced him that you are low value and that he is the prize when in reality, you are and he falls way below your standards. A high quality man’s dream woman isn’t constantly validating them — she’s usually not very interested unless he’s actually behaved in a manner that meets her needs and shows consistent, respectful, loving investment in her. When you naturally focus on yourself and stick to your standards, you become that dream woman for you and the rest falls into place in terms of the type of man you attract. As for low-quality men, they will settle for whatever woman gives them the “easiest” experience in a relationship and does the most for him without sacrificing any of their own time, resources, or energy because that is how they get their needs met—but being an easy woman will never give you the relationship you deserve or desire. Even the low-quality men you’re trying to please will still pursue and chase more challenging women when they think you’re not looking because no one can resist the dopamine rush of a woman with emotional mastery who is grounded in who they are, values themselves, and knows what they deserve, isn’t always around to validate a man and expects the best from her relationships.  

Boundaries and healthy emotional reactions to disrespect are sexy, not toxic. Stop demonizing them and start validating yourself and keep your options open until you meet the right man.

Boundaries are supposed to be in place to keep you safe and protect you from unhealthy men who don’t have your best interests at heart. Your emotions like anger or disappointment are functional, signal when you’re being disrespected, and can be used to fuel you toward cutting off people who don’t belong in your life. Boundaries are not just meant to be verbally communicated but actually enforced in your dating life and relationships. For example, when a man brings up last-minute or low-effort dates, or starts to withhold attention or affection from you, this is the perfect time for the “difficult” woman in you to come out and shine. While you may choose to put him in his place, you’re not going to continue to negotiate, overexplain your emotions, give him more energy than he deserves or try to make things easier for him by helping him and educating him on how to cosplay being a kind, decent, or generous man. They don’t commit early to men who haven’t shown them the same commitment – they keep their options wide open and make sure they have other suitors to compare them to. Ever wonder why toxic partners try to provoke the jealousy of their partners? Research shows it’s because it works to maintain power and control – and sadly, it’s often effective. You don’t have to use this strategy for nefarious reasons, however. You can just acknowledge the value of having other options early on in dating and avoiding commitment in circumstances where you’re not being treated well. Committing early on to a low-effort man is going to reward him with attention and teach him through classical conditioning that he can get away with bad behavior and still reap the reward of continued access to you no matter what he does. Instead, you’re going to present him with healthy consequences and loss of access to you – and now he has to either be as good as your other options or opt out altogether. You’re going to emotionally validate yourself, withdraw your investment from him completely, spend your time focusing on your goals and refocusing on better quality men who do know how to treat you well from the very beginning. You are going to be inconvenient and harder to reach once you see the red flags. “Difficult” women know that the way to weed out low-quality partners from their dating pool is by not accepting less than their standards and not giving more effort to a man who isn’t giving you effort or being mindful of what would please you. If that makes you “toxic,” so be it. 

Raise your standards and stop being afraid of being single until you meet your dream match. Use singlehood as a period to level up, become self-focused, and glow up in all parts of your life. Men shoot for the stars, and yet you keep lowering the bar.

Have you ever wondered why low-quality men benefit from movies that promote the pretty and high-achieving woman getting together with a man who may not be as up to par in terms of looks, finances, personality or whatever other traits you deem important? Or why low-quality men benefit from single-shaming women while praising men for being bachelors? Psychology tells us that “negging” – lowering a woman’s perceived value through backhanded comments – can work to an extent to cause a woman to shed their standards more and become more receptive to romantic advances. It is this double standard that allows those men to pursue attractive, intelligent, successful women well out of their league on a regular basis without any qualms, all while making women who fit this category feel obligated to not be as shallow or stringent about their own standards and expectations. Basically, low-quality men and society have been “negging” you for your entire life and trying to convince you to lower your standards by fear-mongering you about being single and not settling. It’s time to change that. 

You’re not toxic or single because you’re too “picky” — you’re intelligent enough not to settle just to have a relationship. It is very easy for the average man to feel entitled to the most beautiful, intelligent, and successful woman in the room because he’s been conditioned by society and by the media to feel like he deserves access to her. Meanwhile, you as a woman have been conditioned to feel not enough when you’re likely overqualified in all aspects and likely deserve so much better than the man you’re settling for just in hopes of a relationship. Take time to enjoy your own company and work on leveling up in other aspects of your life, not just your dating life. Supercharge your health regimen or fitness routine, take charge of your finances, pursue your education, expand your travels, meet like-minded friends, glow up physically and mentally, chase your dreams and chase anything but a man. A well-rounded woman who is self-focused in healthy ways is not toxic—she is attractive and alluring, and as a cherry on top, she draws in high-quality men who want to pursue her and add pleasure, value, and adventure to her life because these men know they have to work hard to even be a point of focus to her.

Do you want to be an unhappily married woman or a lonely woman in a relationship who settled for less, or do you want to be a peaceful and happy woman with a chance of having healthy love? If you want the latter, it’s time to stop being a man’s peace just to maintain a toxic relationship and start making peace with not settling for less. Being happily single, prioritizing yourself, and healthily self-focused is not anything to be ashamed of—on the contrary, it means you should be proud you have standards. It means you’re exclusive and not for everyone to access. It means you date high-quality men and reserve your energy and time for partners who are actually compatible, and match you in your core values, strengths, and drive. It means you avoided marrying the wrong person just to say you’re married, which can have lifelong detrimental effects. It means you did not stay in toxic or unhealthy or even just plain incompatible relationships just to say you have a boyfriend. It means you did not settle just to settle down. It means you were not docile enough to please a controlling man. It means your boundaries are working beautifully to protect you from people who would deter you from achieving your dreams and hold you back from the love you deserve. It means you have more peace and joy in your life than a woman whose life-course trajectory has been shaped and molded by a toxic man. It means you get to become the peace for yourself—and that anyone who wants entry to your life has to add value to it in order to stay. That’s not toxic, that’s intelligent and discerning. Never let a toxic man or a delusional society negotiate you out of your standards just to settle for a subpar relationship that doesn’t meet your needs when there are even low-quality men out there who have loving, doting partners they don’t even appreciate. Many men feel entitled to their dream woman—you deserve your dream man and your dream life.