Often when we talk about toxic relationships that women endure, we focus solely on unhealthy men who perpetrate aggressively against women and rightfully so. But we rarely speak about another insidious danger that infiltrates our lives as young women, that normalizes and conditions us into accepting unacceptable behavior in our relationships throughout adolescence and adulthood. Enter the pick-me narcissistic friend who centers men and relationships to the detriment of not only her own wellbeing, but also that of her female friends, frequently throwing other women under the bus for male attention and approval. Her fixation on romantic relationships and men usually hurts other women, especially her closest friends. Here are the traits and behaviors that make the pick-me woman so dangerous and why you should choose your female friends very selectively.
Narcissistic women who center men will encourage you to settle for less just to say you have a relationship and join them in their misery.
Think of pick-me women as a foot-soldiers for the patriarchy and the abusive systems that hold women back from claiming their true power and prioritizing themselves. They are here to sell you the messages of their cult-like societal conditioning which they never bothered to reprogram or interrogate closely, and if they have narcissistic traits, they will also lack empathy for how these messages affect you. The message? Your romantic relationship is the most important thing in this life. Sacrifice your health, wellbeing, standards, boundaries if you ever want to be married. You need to settle for less if you ever want to settle down. Being single and happy on your own before finding a good partner is not acceptable! There is a sense of morally depraved urgency with the pick-me woman’s skewed advice and insight on dating, because she often settles for toxic relationships and lackluster men herself just to say she “has a man.” This message is very different from the one a woman in a healthy relationship with standards tells her friends, which is, “Don’t settle unless you find the right one. It won’t feel good, you will ruin your life, and you will suffer if you settle down with the wrong man. The only worthy relationship is the one that adds value to your life. Take your time. Be single, explore, have fun! I want you to meet the right person, and if not, you will be happy and thrive regardless.”
The pick-me woman who centers men, in contrast, will go out of her way to dismiss the wealth of research and the voices of women that show that on average, marriage and commitment tend to place women at a disadvantage, causing them greater psychological distress than married men (presumably due to the larger burden of emotional and domestic labor they are forced to take on, often for an incompatible partner who neglects or mistreats them). This is especially true for unhealthy, abusive, toxic and incompatible relationships. Dangerous friends like these prefer to uphold the illusion of false superiority surrounding a woman’s relationship or marital status over the actual quality of the relationship, even if it places their friends in harm’s way, so they will encourage you to “not be so picky” or “choosy” about the person you plan to spend the rest of your life with by shaming you for having standards. They may even encourage you to minimize incidents of mistreatment, betrayal, or low effort because “no man is perfect,” and will often sympathize with the perspectives of violent men over the widespread violence that women undergo worldwide.
Their choice of partners will place you in dangerous situations and they “compete” with you for the attention of men, even pursuing your love interests in an attempt to “one-up” you.
The pick-me narcissistic psychopathic woman takes it further than just being protective of her toxic and bare minimum relationships with men: she will actively put her friends, family members, and loved ones in harm’s way to defend any and all toxic men. This is the narcissistic mother who pretends not to see her boyfriend harming or abusing her daughter just so she can maintain the relationship, or the narcissistic friend who will allow their husband to verbally or physically try to attack you without saying anything to defend you. Or their pick-me habits may be so strong they actively go out of their way to try to flirt with your boyfriend, or crush, or ex to gain excessive validation (or because they have dark personality traits associated with mate poaching). They may also attempt to steal your spotlight and resent you when you receive more attention than them from men. They will not be proud of you or your achievements and try to get you to refocus on your relationship status whenever you try to celebrate these achievements because they are uncomfortable with women having other interests, ambitions, and accomplishments outside of men rather than hyper-fixating on men like they do. A friendship with a pick-me woman will often be a dangerous and harmful one, and their conversations will always center men. How boring and unfulfilling! But the way they treat you and shame you in this friendship, coercing you to lower your standards for men, can even lead you into getting into abusive relationships especially if you are vulnerable and susceptible to their manipulative behavior.
Remember: women who have genuinely healthy relationships of their own and a healthy mindset toward dating and men are different as they center their own lives, their friends, family, and goals, and their relationship only adds value to their already stable and nourishing life. They would not put other women in harm’s way just for the sake of their relationship nor would they choose a man over the integrity of their friendships. They celebrate their relationships in healthy ways, do not behave as if a relationship status determines a woman’s worth and they do not advise women to engage in terrible decisions or settle for less just for a relationship status because they care about the mental health and overall happiness of their friends. They know the difference between settling for a toxic relationship just to say you have someone and actually being with your “soulmate” —a high-quality man that is truly compatible with you, who is respectful, kind, and loves and dotes on their friend gently and generously. They help you free yourself from toxic relationships, not stay entrenched in them.
Rather than telling their friends to tolerate mistreatment, these healthy female friends encourage other women to have high standards and strong boundaries. Know the difference and choose your friends wisely. Surround yourself with female friends who cheer you on, who celebrate your accomplishments outside of relationships, who remind you not to settle for less, who protect and defend you from toxic men, who encourage you to have high standards, and who only cheerlead your healthiest relationships. This will not only elevate your love life (if you are looking to do that), but your quality of life and happiness in general.
