Be crazy. Guys love it when your hair is long and wild, and you swear at them in Spanish and shoot a gun at them like Penelope Cruz in Vicky Christina Barcelona. But also don’t be crazy. Guys hate it when you’re irrational, unpredictable and emotional. Be stable, easy to read and low maintenance. Be Meg Ryan in any movie. Have perfect lips but don’t get your lips “done”, and go blonde but not too blonde.
Be sexy. Be like Kate Upton with big boobs and a bedroom smile. Guys love it when you show off your body in tight clothes. Flaunt yourself with confidence. But don’t dress too provocatively. Guys hate it when you look slutty, they’ll never take you seriously. Be demure and respectable, look like someone’s mother or a girl who runs an adorable local florist with big bangs like Zooey Deschanel.
Have a perfect body. Guys love it when you’re thin, toned and tan. Be every woman on TV except Lena Dunham. Guys hate Lena Dunham because she’s fat. But don’t be too skinny. Have a little meat on you. Have tits and ass that jiggle when you walk, but not as much as Lena Dunham, maybe just a little bit less. Be Kim Kardashian. Photoshop your real self, kill your spider veins, squeeze out the cellulite, eradicate all scars.
Be smart. Especially about “dude things” like what car parts do what. Surprisingly be able to handle yourself in tough situations. Have a good job and be able to hold an intellectual conversation. But don’t be too smart. Don’t let your beliefs get in the way of looking cute. You look so mean with that feminist bitch face. Don’t talk about world affairs at parties. You’re not Hillary Clinton. Flip your hair, make a joke, settle back into the dark matter floating around the room for the rest of the night.
Be independent. Make your own money. Split bills at dinner. You are Beyonce. You are cashed up and stiletto bound, and you can take care of your own business. Guys like it when you’re not helpless. But try to be a little bit helpless. Let him pay for everything, guys like it when they’re in control. Let him be in control. Be Carrie on Sex and the City and chuck a fit when he buys you the wrong widescreen TV. Guys love it when you rely on them.
Have long hair. Have short hair. Get a nose job. Have a distinctive nose. Wash your feet. Chew some gum. Read more books. Read less books. Be tall and leggy. Be short and huggable. Have abs. Don’t have too many abs. Be good at running. Know how to bake cakes. Have a clean house. Clean his house. Be sweet. Be tough. Be vulnerable. Be hard. Be your own person. Be everyone else’s own person.